sha tt e red

wish i may, wish i might, have this wish i wish tonight

2006-05-14T14:42:00.000+08:00

i saw a shooting star last night... =) it was fleeting... but beautiful... had a fun time last night actually... calvin dropped by with his room mate from brisbane and we hung out and had dinner at a japanese restaurant... i munched on salmon sashimi and agadeshi tofu while they had dinner cos i already had curry chicken at home with char... keke... then we took a short stroll at surfer's paradise beach at night... it was really cool... 13 degrees last night at the beach... but it was wonderful to be out there on the beach at night... =P then we headed back, and calvin let me drive his mitsubishi magna for a bit around the neighbourhood... it was a smooth ride man... boy do i miss driving and the car back home... comfy car, nice ride... then char took a shot at it too... haha and when we got back and i was about to get out of the car i spotted the shooting star... =P made me really happy... made a wish... =P anyhows... not much to update here about... need to rush some homework... another time then... as i said to calvin... (about speeds) i can drive it but i cannot ride it...

chinese flavour

2006-05-11T01:09:00.000+08:00

心情有点糟。看了好多台湾的variety show，笑个不停。但笑完之后，觉得很空虚。望着他们，觉得自己没希望，没水准。不知怎么了，不知怎么解释我心里的感触，不知我是否不想和大家分享而不说或是真正的不知该怎么说而不说。终止心情糟透了啦。有些梦，永远只是梦吧。 some things will always just be a fantasy... some dreams will only be just dreams...

理想情人

2006-05-10T06:09:00.000+08:00

before i went to make breakfast, while brushing my teeth i had a better flow of thoughts and words i wanted to place here... my santuary... but now... looking at my yummy beef sausages my train of thought has fled me... i have only half an hour to write wat i wanna say and eat breakfast, change and clean up the kitchen too... well first up... some coded lyrics rika san... =P from our fav show of the moment... you know it... =P 楊丞琳 - 理想情人 Rainie Yang - Ideal Lover 作曲：小冷 | 填詞：艾利絲 | 編曲：林從胤穿上洋裝看著手錶時間快到心碰碰的跳和你的第一次約會來臨了金色的陽光灑滿人行道換了新唇膏把頭髮弄好要你看到我的好＊喜歡看你走路充滿自信　說話時候你的專注眼神　溫柔的表情笑容裡的天真　我相信　找不到有比你更好的人　你心裡理想情人是幾分　是否也會有我的份＊＃好想知道你的100分　會給怎樣的人　親愛的你不要再陌生　增加我戲份　我想問　親愛的你把感情升等　朋友變成情人　可不可以　告訴我標準　不要讓我一直等＃ REPEAT＊＃聽著那時間滴答的走　對街的你在點頭好像一個夢　漸漸走到我前頭 time flies really fast man... it was not too long ago i was still in singapore slacking...=P oh well... ike i said my train of thought just fell flat and fled my mind... so sorry... will blog again later if it comes back to me... anyway sorta rushing so maybe thats why stuck... rika san... i've fallen in love... with the devil beside you... when it started with a kiss... on you tube keke =P

the man in qn : kim san =P

2006-05-06T15:44:00.000+08:00

"thursday will be filming with the "rascals" who "killed" apple today and "tortured" her yesterday again... keke if got time and chance to take photo of them i will... and let you know the faces behind the teenage wrath and horror... keke =P" - magll's tuesday, december 27, 2005 entry -- second death; my revival (i hope =P) haha i refer to my old blog entry on the naughty youngsters who wreck havok in 715's life in the show i was working on n in when i was still in singapore... keke... always said i'll show u all pictures i took of the naughty ones... but i never did... n i just realised it... keke... yea... i remember now... his name IS kim san... same kim as grace? hahaha =P pai sei... =P brings back gd memories... of working... hahaha they were a bunch of fun loving kids... felt like a mother hen... keke dun think anyone will recognise him but er cong acted in another show with 715 as well... with rui en and 715 n ix shen... =P his character and character design for the upcoming show is very different... =P do i look their age? hehehe... i'm flattering myself... keke... i'm sure i look ancient amongst them... -.0 oh well... age does catch up with all of us u noe... =P miss those times... wonder how they are all doing now... sighz and there u have it... the naughty kids in the show... with =P she's with him... he's with her... he's with her... she's with him... who's with who man? =P watch the show and you'll know well... if you wanna know la... =P

first coded lyrics winkz

2006-05-06T07:09:00.000+08:00

ricia... coded lyrics... was listening to a song... by mandy moore titled a girl can dream... nice song... from the show centre stage.. sighz... can't wait for the shows to come... no flair for writing today actually or for the past few days... thus you see no updates... anyhows... nothing much to blog about... though i now have a nice big soft fluffy blue bath robe... keeps me warm and loved... cos its so nice to the touch... though when i put it on... i disappear into the folds and one cannot seem to find me... keke... =P char had a mini shopping spree... haha and we did some girly girly things... and k mart seems to be the new hangout place i guess... =P we tried on some stuff and took pics together... =P char bought the white scarf... i didnt get the blue one though... but it was really nice... oh well... anyhows... we rushin to the gym now... another time then... how to deal...? feeling... wishing... check it out babe... =P *winkz*

i killed today

2006-04-29T21:27:00.001+08:00

WARNING: gross picture ahead... look on at your own risk... (CRIME SCENE DO NOT CROSS) ask my mum... whenever i see a roach i scream or yell for help... for help to get rid of the roach... i never do it myself... even though i dun like em roaches i still cant bring myself to deal the death blow of em pests... in fact... if u hang around me alot... u'll know tt i run in the opposite direction when i encounter a roach... n i'm fast... like eugene's ninja bear skills... =P even if the roach is far from me... i'll walk far from it... here... when i've got no one to do the killing for me... i've got to do the deed myself... i killed today... my second... when i first saw the roach... i panicked... my heart skipped a beat and i have the old and still strong urge to run in the opposite direction... but run where? hide behind who? there's no one here to help me do the deed... so i have to take care of myself... and to learn to deal... (CRIME SCENE DO NOT CROSS) (CRIME SCENE DO NOT CROSS) (CRIME SCENE DO NOT C so i saw the huge roach... almost as long, big and in fact fatter than my index finger... yea... i panicked and wanted to run back into my room... but i wanted porridge for breakfast tml morning n i needed to soak the rice in water overnight... so i grabbed the roach spray which was fortunately just in the cupboard beside me... initially i sprayed n it ran... into the dishwashing machine... and i wanted to give up the chase... but tt meant it'll live to haunt me after... so bravely i opened it and it ran out onto the floor... and i sprayed and sprayed and sprayed like there was no tml... i think i overdid it... but i was scared... after a while... it stopped running... and went on its back... legs curling up and quivering... shaking... in pain... its feelers were wildly twisting about as were its legs... then i noticed that it was about to lay an egg sac... a big one... the egg sac was about to pop out of it already actually... and while it was curling about, no doubt from the spray, it forced the egg sac out and died soon after... it died at childbirth... not of natural cause of course... it was murder of the first degree... a defenceless child bearing roach was killed tonight... the murder weapon? a long metal green cylinder spray that reads insecticide on it... the motive of the murderer? self defence, psychotic behaviour, or maybe manslaughter... the murderer? me... a 24 year old single female with shoulder length chestnut brown hair living in gold coast australia... too much csi man ppl... isnt the above obvious? anyhows... i may have killed tt roach... but i left the crime scene unaltered... i aint brave enough to clean up the mess... killing the roach seems easier than using a tissue that is still considerably too thin for me to use it to pick up the victimised roach and dump the body into the bin... i aint touching the roach man... just thinking about its hairy legs and creepy body makes my skin crawl and makes me shiver in fear and disgust... even if i had the latex gloves, em criminalists use to pick up evidence, to clear my crime scene and rid the evidence of my murdering act... i wouldnt do it... i'll deal with it tml... i hope... sorry char... hope u dun get a shock the next morning... i've got blood on my hands ppl!!! argh!!!! *runs around the room screaming* "Out, damned spot! out, I say!" - ( Quote Act V, Scene I - Macbeth). like i said too much csi... learning to deal... trying to take care of myself...

lifted by shannon noll's lift

2006-04-29T11:38:00.000+08:00

just came back from gym... n took a shower feel damn good now... making porridge as i type this n tok to my jie mei.. keke multi tasking... anyhows... i ran my 2.4km in 19.30 mins... then jogged on... ran a a total of 1 hr and 4 mins... cool down for 4 mins on the treadmill... keke... hopefully some fats have been burnt... was playing shannon noll's lift over and over again while running... and all the flash backs of the ppl in the biggest loser running n working their butts off and i just pushed myself to run up to an hour... then the machine automatically made me cool down... keke... ran a total of 6.77km... whoo hooo... gym on tues again... when i'm not training with my trainer i think i'll go gym to run for an hour... =P make my money's worth AND to lose weight n get healthy too.. keke... kill 3 birds with one payment... keke might try yoga or pilates with char too... keke... =P see how.. =P anyway... as i was showering... i had some thots in my head that i wanted to blog about esp before i forget it... well... here goes... i'm glad that you've found someone you love and who loves u in return... cherish what you have ya... i hope all goes well for you and the one you love and want to spend your life with... i guess in a way i wished that i were that special someone... to light up your dull night sky with blazing fireworks and heaps of happiness and joyous memories to last a lifetime... to push forward and blast thru all the hurdles that come in the way of your dreams together... etc... but i guess i'm just not person for you... you've found someone who understands you and clicks with you... someone who'll stand by you in your time of need and walk down that road to your dreams with you... like 2 pieces of a jigsaw puzzle that just fits... its hard to find someone like that in one lifetime... so treasure it... and i'm sure things will work out just fine for both of you... hang in there ya... i believe both of you will last long together as a couple... thank you for the sms... it says alot... and means alot... take care... its not about me anymore... its all about you... just you...

australia's 1st biggest loser

2006-04-27T20:14:00.000+08:00

yea man adro... u did it!!!! haha... just finished watching australia's first biggest loser finale... was so so so hopin kristie would win it instead and be the first woman ever to be the biggest loser... but... oh well... i'm glad the title fell into the hands of one of the original final 3 contestants... fiona looks amazing man... hot! in the gorgeous lilac gown... beautiful... and kristie... hot mama lor... and shane.... oh man... i so wish he won the 50 thousand lor... he is so different and to see his transformation step by step... makes me so so happy for him... he's really a new man... wierd huh... to feel so much for ppl i never even met in real life and feel so strongly for them, their achievement, their pain, their hard work, their emotions... makes me wanna train, tone up and slim down... but i noe its hard work and takes alot of determination and blood sweat and tears... i'm still aching from gym on wed lor... feel old... haha well... starting training officially next tuesday... going for my first open water certification class on monday... and going gym again this sat =P love the theme song of the show... here's the lyrics... makes me feel inspired as i listen to it lor... =P its shannon noll's lift I know you're hurting Feels like your learning 'Bout life the hard way And it ain't working Seems like forever That you've been falling It's time to move on Your life is calling, yeah This is never meant to be the end Close the book and start again Chorus: Cos i know how hard it canget But you've gotta lift You've gotta lift And sometimes that's how it is But i know you're stronger Stronger than this You've gotta lift You've gotta lift When you feel your Whole body's aching What's left of your heart It wont stop breaking You've got to let go You took a hit Time to pick up now Move on from this This was never meant to be the end Close the book and start again Chorus You've got to lift yourself up above all the hurt Don't give in Wipe your tears and remember you're better than this Let them know that they took their best shot and they missed Come on and lift Chorus Pick up now... Pick up now... living....

hovering aircon

2006-04-26T06:10:00.000+08:00

i'm an hour early for class... and i was actually rushing to school lor cos i thought i was gonna be late... -.- and now i'm sitting in the mulitmedia lab using the comps... but i have to pay to use the internet... oh well... and that's not all... i rushed out of the house and forgot to pack my pencilbox into my bag... now i gotta walk back all the way to the bookshop to buy a pen... argh... and here i have tons of pens courtesy of sueling's mum... keke... =P thanks auntie... the temperature here has dropped to 23 degrees... i noe i noe it doesnt sound like much... well it isnt really cold la... the wind is cool and it feels like australia has been covered by a glass dome and someone up there turned down the aircon to 23 degrees... keke... remember all the times in singapore that i said i wish singapore was covered in a dome and had a cooling system working... haha or at least a hovering air con unit above me =P yea it feels something like this... except its natural down here... =P but boy will diving be superbly cold when i'm all wet and only have my swin suit under the wet suit... yea yea yea i noe the wet suit will keep me warm... but u noe me la... super scared of cold... its full fledge fall now... which supposedly started in late march... haha... oh well... we only started feeling fall just about now... i moved my bed position... =P now i'm by the window... its cooler this way and it gives me more space to dump my stuff i guess... keke =) my mood today ranging from ok to alright... =P plugged in as i write this... nice music... btw... little man... where have u been miss toking to ya... i noe i noe my fault... =P anyhows... i listened to the planets... i kinda like saturn... still pending which i like best... =P and i cant make it for the planets live... its occuring in early june... darn it... sighz... oh well... check out the mediacorp website... lian lian hong cheng is starting 1st may... but they changed the title of the show... its showing at 9pm... feel like having it taped... but i tink the vcr at home is still spoilt or not connected or something right... sighz... mummy... my cop show coming up soon leh... =P taped on dvd also can i dun mind... or maybe get a dvd recorder... wahahaha... geez... am i materialistic or what man... in fact tape on dvd easier to send to me... kekeke... =P *cheeky grin* oh no... i'm yawning and feeling sleepy... and i still have a 2 hr lecture to attend lor... and gym after tt... yeah we're finally heading to the gym... my fault as usual... me and my laziness and procrastination... anyhows... seeing that i've been watching so many vcds n dvds so far out of my entire life... was thinking of doing personal takes on the movies i watch... keke... see how... n see if i got time... =P anyhows mummy... i'm pretty hooked on csi... the original series... urm... hmm... i better tell u this via email... dun wanna get slammed on my blog... =P ok ppl gotta go take a walk to the bookshop n then make the walk back... till next time... blur queen? definately me man!

have you forgotten me?

2006-04-25T19:40:00.000+08:00

how do u show someone u miss them? by saying out loud tt u miss them? by keeping in contact with them when they're away? words are just words... how can one tell if one truly misses another... keeping in touch... does it mean tt ppl forget ur existence if they don't make an effort to keep in touch with you? maybe its not tt they've forgotten u... but that they've adapted to a life without you... and tt kinda makes me sad... rach was saying tt she felt like we forgot she existed when she went to study in perth... i guess i'm starting to understand how she felt then... and the fustrations and disappointment with us when we did not make as much an effort to meet up with her or to keep in contact with her while she was alone in perth... there was a time... we exchanged emails almost everyday... but after a while the emails were fewer and soon they stopped altogether... now i see how important those emails were to her... like tee's emails are to me... (tee keep em emails coming yea) wish some other ppl would email me too... but oh well... we make do don't we? like they adapt to not having me around in singapore... i have to adapt to not having them ard me... and soon enough... we would have adapted so well... we'll see which friendships hold strong and keep going after this drift and test of time and space... rach n i have been tested and came out still doing ok... zu n i... haha dun need to say dun need to be in australia to test it... cos we seldom talk or meet even when both of us are in the same country lor... haha =P my jie mei men... i have faith in... when i come back... will things be so different like it was for rach? will things be different as how i wished it would be? i made it so... but everyday i question my choices and wonder if it was for the best... rach said tt we make time for ppl who are important to us no matter how busy we are... i agree... boy does tt sting... thinking alot at the moment... but not articulate about it though... not been able to write again... was thinking... if i can get paid for watching vcds n dvds... i'd be rich... its not that they've forgotten u... but that they've adapted to a life without you... but it still hurts to know the truth... 我在这儿很辛苦，你看的出吗? 你看的出我很辛苦吗? 我的软弱，你的冷落是我的失败，是我的丑陋

terror of monica

2006-04-25T00:09:00.000+08:00

apparently... "Monica could be the most severe tropical cyclone ever seen anywhere along the Australian coastline" i'm making huge waves down under... i'm destructive man... no wonder everyone is staying clear of me... to find out more... click here tei...

woman on the run

2006-04-18T21:50:00.000+08:00

which do i dare more? to stay in a service apartment or backpackers hotel on my own in sydney or to stay in an apartment with 3 guys of which i only am aquainted with one like one in a purple moon ????? jury's still out on this one... which do i dare more? to travel on my own the coming june/july holidays or to stay in gold coast not doing anything with anyone this coming june/july holidays or to go back home and face my deepest fears ????? i'm a coward... sometimes... i feel as if i'm backed into a corner and have a place i cant go back to or dun dare to go back to... (not till the preset deadline at least...) yet i want to... i dun belong here... but i'm scared to go back to where i once belonged... what has become of me... a woman on the run... i miss home... miss my mum, ah pak, kitchen, my bed, my safe comfy home n life in singapore... n even the matrix i so detest when i had a car to drive in singapore... relax ppl... i'm ok... always will be ok... its only magll's pms n emotional n thinking mode... just been watching too much CSI these days... makes me scared of life n everything sometimes... scared of the unknown... u see thats why i dun watch horror, thriller, mystery or detective shows... you noe alot of times... when kenny says he wans to tell me things tt happen in sunny singapore... my heart rate increases, i hold my breath, my chest constricts and i tense up... i get little panic attacks... fear creeps in n i feel scared... very scared of what i might hear... scared that the stuff that my dreams are made of will come alive... oh well... i guess its part of the reason why i dun really like to go online to chat much... all this fear of the unknown... and the negative possibilities... like i said... a coward...

the great standstill...

2006-04-18T05:58:00.000+08:00

the weather is getting a little cooler now... the mornings start off with more cool breeze and cold shivers... i think it also has something to do with the fact that your internal body temperature drops when you are at rest as your heart rate slows... i think... we learnt about sleep in cognitive and biological psych class early on... a class i took cos its a pre-requisite to exercise and injury prevention... i feel that it has come to a great standstill... or maybe this feeling stems from the fact that i am in fact on my one week break and the village is a quiet as a mouse and dead as the dead marshes... i feel cold inside... not just physically... it makes me look at the world through sad resigned eyes... i guess most ppl have gotten used to the idea of not having me around or in their lives... and sometimes.. most times... i feel as if i'm not missed perhaps... maybe i AM missed by those who are fixtures and pretty much stuck in my life and that should be enough and should satisfy... but sometimes... i want more... but isnt it human nature to want more and to wish for impossible dreams... i have changed again... over the past few months i've been here... in some ways for the better... in some ways for the worse... i love that i talk and share with my mum more than before... i love that i see more clearly how my dad loves me... it should be enuff isnt it...? this should be enuff right? to love n be loved by your parents n family...? maybe i'm too greedy? i remember the days leading up to the day i left singapore for australia... the people i met up with, the relatives etc... i remember the hugs... i remember the wonderful marche meal with zu, angela and rach... i remember the last get together i had with rad... dunno how he is now or if he's back in phillippines already... i remember my last few night drives and suppers... i remember my seeing my grandma and rachael and auntie helen n uncle richard... and getting a hug from grandma and auntie helen... i remember our last jie mei supper at simpang... i miss everything... i know i'm supposed to enjoy the opportunities i have here... i do... i've taken up diving.. going for gym later... planning a solo trip to sydney this june/july and writing more etc... maybe i'm just pms-ing... its supposed to be my pms week this week i dun talk or contact friends back home as much... or sometimes at all... and i guess on that account its my own fault no excuses... strange... fabian sent me an sms just a few days back... telling me not to be too stress n all... strange that after 2 yr plus, we finally can talk as just friends... usually he'll just make me uncomfortable with all the darlings and i miss yous and stuff... the end of the sms had "love fabian"... but deep down inside i knew it was just as frens... and it felt strange and good and a relief that we could be just friends again... we did it...!!! *smiles weekly* we crossed and made it past that barrier... thank you fabian... i'll be fine here... i guess... just wondering when will it be my turn... carpedium right tee? i will try...

love and relationships

2006-04-16T12:04:00.000+08:00

relationships are hard work indeed... i'm a person who doesnt believe in breaking up as a viable option if love still exists... but then again... love is just love... relationships arent just abt love and sometimes, sadly, relationships arent abt love at all but abt accepting the other person for who they, are flawed or not... to understand your other half... you need to know his or her background and where they've come from in the past... then with that knowledge and understanding of that past, try to see past the action or "injustice" done unto u... for example family background... if the person doesn't have close ties with his or her family... likely committment and family excursions will be a big boo boo for the person... having tt knowledge, understand why the person wouldnt wanna meet the parents or to give more of a committment... i feel knowing a person's past is important in a relationship so that you know where the person has come from, his or her past experiences, both gd n bad... knowing the past that shaped the present improves it for the future... give and take... sometimes only one person gives n gives n gives while the other takes n takes n takes... but relationships are as such isnt it... sometimes one takes more and gives less and then another time the other takes more n gives less... expectations... we all have our ideal gf and ideal bf... was talking abt this with daddy wenfong just days back... u see almost everyone ard me is attached... anyway... we all have the ideal bf or gf in our minds n hearts... n even though we say we dun impose them on our other halves.. oh pluease... we do ok... its inevitable... cos even though we love our partner, we do wish they were more like our prince charming or perfect princess tt we've always dreamed about or wanted since young... even daddy wenfong after much prodding and soul searching admitted to expecting cass to be a little more like his ideal gf... n sometimes expecting her to do so... but anyway my pt is tt... isnt love about seeing past those expectations and accepting the person u love tt he or she will not ever be close to wat u see as the ideal mate? sighz aiya i dunno la... i myself have mixed emotions and ideas about love... and relationships... sometimes a little jaded sometimes a little irrational and hopeful... i feel quite useless actually... to not be able to help my frens and to do something abt it... or maybe i shouldnt be so kaypo... but i guess it affects me that you are not happy and you are having problems... i really hope things will work out and it doesnt turn sour... being that both are my friends... sighz i was more coherent earlier... just wishing... for somethings... for myself as well as for others... knowing the past that shaped the present improves it for the future...

eternal happiness

2006-04-15T10:18:00.000+08:00

when tomorrow comes, it will come like a flick of a wrist the skies are high above and the lands are wide... where is one to travel to? forget the burdens of the past but do not forget your memories even if your hands are chained, you must go on from now until forever go on and do not return run away like the flowing water of the falls forget what you don't have but never forget what you have experienced.... you run in my memories, each step you take, i etch into my memory we'll evolve together, but we will stay the same the taste of wine is like the taste of your warm kiss... despite seeing new faces on the roads I take, I'll love only one... So many sands, and each grain is heavy as they touch my eyebrow... Forget all reasoning... don't forget what has passed away Etch the memory of yourself into your own heart... you run in my memories, each step you take, i etch into my memory we'll evolve together, but we will stay the same the taste of wine is like the taste of your warm kiss... despite seeing new faces on the roads I take, I'll love only one... the winds may sing, but they do forget... yet the memory of your kiss will always remain... eternal happiness lyrics... keke now i wanna learn cantonese too... hahaha i wish you, eternal happiness....

friday night highs

2006-04-14T20:36:00.000+08:00

haha over here in australia... they have started showin this program called skating with celebrities... on fridays... darn only once a week lor... sighz... means i'll be kept on the edge of my seat a whole week lor... ok ok maybe the idea is so been there done that just change the sport or variable and u have a common style of reality tv but i am fascinated by the world of figure skating... and if i say wat i wanna say... i can imagine zu laughing at me and saying "please lor, u said tt years ago..." keke =P this really hits home the phrase to win u must be willing to fail... and fall in this case... keke or at least tts what keeps flashing in my head when i watch this show... keke now once again i really really wanna learn how to figure skate... ok zu u can laugh now... *pouts at i heard zu laughing in my mind* keke... =P i love watching figure skating performances... =P finally watched bend it like beckham too... haha the movies reminds me of someone... =) wun say who though... keke its for me to know and you to find out... keke right tee... tts what u always say... but if u ask i'll be nice n tell u la... keke... =P *grinz* now i'm addicted to the song sung by texas called inner smile... =P haha char is probably sick of hearing it vaguely from my room cos the walls here are almost paper thin... keke oh oh oh... and jo... i finally watched racing stripes... haha the zebra is so cute now i wanna add the zebra on the list of live un-pet-like animals i wanna keep in my house... keke the dolphin was the first of course... penguins... then the tiger or lion... and now... a zebra... keke =P but the dolphin and penguins definately tops the list still... haha lets see... dive first skate and horseback riding after tt... keke or maybe europe in june/july... keke mummy? can i go LA on my own in june/july? keke... maybe go visit las vegas, grand caynon then LA stay for the miss universe pagent all on my own? keke... "do u trust me?" aladdin said tt too u know... keke =P sera meets... kenneth cheok, the low IQ n low EQ "monkey"... jude yee, the the handsome dude with a hidden agenda... kimmy lee, the not so dumb n not so blonde Babe In Total Control of Herself, controlling others... and someone... i shan't reveal here, you'd have to read about him in my novella *winkz* keke oops sorry for the suspense =P

stress after taste

2006-04-11T09:33:00.000+08:00

*deep sigh of relief* i feel as if i've been holding my breath for a few days and now i'm slowly letting out the air stored up inside... in class now having a 20 minute break... i just finished my presentation... my voice quivered and cracked while talking and i was so so so nervous... oh man... i was shivering but not from cold but from nervousness man... still shaking from the experience.... i call it the stress after taste... =P many down a few more to go.... and all i wanna do is go home to singapore, lie on my bed and slack under my nice comfy garfield blanket with the seasoned tip

my novella is killing me

2006-04-10T20:27:00.000+08:00

ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i'm very very very stressed.... i'm very very very worried.... i'm very very very very very very high strung at the moment... i cant write at the moment... i'm quite full but i'm craving maggie mee... i'm crave maggie mee n to cook it would be theraputic... but i cant fit anything more in my stomach after a very fulling attempt at lamb with herbs, wine, pepper, mashed ginger, salt and butter with mushrooms and onions in the gravy... help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! this is one of the first few times i'm so stressed i actually feel the pressure of it gun right at my temple threatening to blow my brains out!!!!! ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"to write well, one must write what they know"

2006-04-08T19:51:00.000+08:00

writing is my passion... writing is my world... to have a book published is a dream come true... i remember it all now... dreams of the young magll... during days of quiet solitude, in the cold silent halls of the kc secondary school library "beginning can be scary. writers report all kinda of emotions over beginning a work. there can be eagerness or reluctance to write; writing for you may be a joy or it may be anguish (anything as long as it's not boring!); it may flow easily or need careful coaxing. it's up to you to find out what kind of writer you are, and what best serves your beginnings. Any of this can change, from work to work." from my novella reader (my text bk for this subject) the beginning is indeed anguish... truth is... all i feel sad about is... that i've lost this friendship, this closeness and these good times of the past... i miss having someone to go to for absolute advice about everything... that was what we had with each other and that is now merely a thing of the past... and now... i stand on a boat, scattering the ashes of our past, staring at the vast expense of ocean, hoping for a better tomorrow, without you by my side... its my time... to move forward on this journey, on my own... zu where r u... i miss u u noe... sighz take care ya dear friend...

writer's block

2006-04-05T18:26:00.000+08:00

i never expected writing would be this tough... its such a painful process... i thought it would come easily... expected it was difficult but never expected it to be this tough... writing and everything else... sighz

a grey day today

2006-04-05T11:45:00.000+08:00

sitting in one of the small light grey cubicles in the library, typing away at my laptop, freezing in the cold and occassionaly staring out the window into the grey skies outside. its a grey day today. i managed to get some of my characters out for the novella and a more concrete plotline. i've decided on my setting and some of the action hopefully when i go home to continue my work i will not draw a blank again. i've now improved the word count to 323 words still 5677 words away from my final submission and just 1677 words away from next week's 1st folio submission. ahhh!!!! home isn't condusive to my thought processes and creative juices. all that i've written so far came out of 2 days of actively working on the piece today, in the library, and the day before in class. sighz... anyhows... here's some of it... any comments? ------------------------------------------------------ It took me about ten years to realize how different I was compared to the other kids at school. Different isn't the right word, weird was more close to the truth. I could hear voices. No not God's voice. I was and still am very sure that God wouldn't sound like a ten year girl who said "GOD! LOOK HOW FAT SHE IS" every time I walk past. What I heard was other people's thoughts. Not just thoughts about me. I heard everything. It wasn't just in school that this persisted. At home, things were just as bad. Mother and Father were almost never home, working late nights at the office or overseeing overseas stations for work. The most I remember about Father was him thinking, "WHY CANT YOU BE AS SMART AS SATINE?" or "WHY ARE YOUR GRADES SO BAD!". Keane was nice but he was always nicer and more attentive to Satine. Mother is the sort a good mother should be. I tried telling her that I could hear people's thoughts, but she just tiredly laughed at me, kissed me on the forehead and told me it was just my imagination. I knew better though, for I heard her "SHE REALLY SHOULD GROW OUT OF SUCH STUFF" ringing in my ear and in my head. I seemed to have managed to control my oddity soon after I discovered it. I only occasionally heard everything screaming all at once and almost always only heard what people said about me. I learnt from then on that people were never truthful and that it best served my purpose to "SHUT UP!". No one wanted me around or wanted my two cents worth about anything. They said so, out loud as well as through their thoughts. Thus I decided by the age of eleven that people would never accept my oddity so I should just keep to myself and try my best to be better. ------------------------------------------------------ this is all i got so far... sighz... gonna go home now but its raining n my laptop batt is low... so ciaoz still no word... still missing you and your emails...

snooping around in autumn heat

2006-04-04T21:43:00.000+08:00

deep in the night. the clock reads 10pm. it's late and the stale warm air seems to strangle the life out of me. i turn up the speed dial and place the fan into a frantic whizzing frenzy. the warm air continues to choke me as i stare at my computer screen, trying desperately to start on the titanic assignment due in 6 weeks. 6000 to 8000 words. if only it was easy as blogging. i pick up one of the five books i borrowed for other assignements and venture to the living room for a new perspective. i started to get somewhere. i felt the air around me seem to release its hold on me and i start to breathe more easily now. the book is interesting. when i finally look up from my book, Creating Fiction, its already 11.30om. time really flies when in the company of a good book. i stand up from the sofa i snuggled in while reading, put my hands up in the air and stretched upwards and backwards. crack! ouch. no i didn't break my back, just put in back it place perhaps. the air was still warm but affected me less than it did earlier. 11.30pm. i think some fresh air was in order. so i took my house keys, plugged in my earphones with music from my mp3 player and took a stroll around university village. the air was crisp and cool. there was no breeze but it felt better than inside the melting pot of my room. i strolled in the courtyard, spying the lighted windows, wondering who lived inside and what they were like. right at the end of the village, an odd cornered apartment stood quietly and serenely. all i could see was a orange lighted room. a kitchen bench seperating the kitchen from the living room. empty wine glasses and a bottle of red wine was left on the kitchen bench. the orange light became brighter toward a long narrow path to where the bedrooms were, hidden and obscure. i leaned forward to take a closer look. the room was quiet and nothing seemed to be amiss. fearing to be caught red handed, i smiled at the room with a life of its own, drawing me towards it, and walked back to my apartment. on the slow walk back to my apartment, i stopped in my tracks and looked around me. there in front of me was my momentary freedom. freedom from this village far away from home. i look up at my apartment. what harm will come to a small short little adventure outside of the village? i decided to be brave and exit the premises for just a few moments. to see the world outside for just a moment. i stepped out thru the gate and down the tiled pathway. behind me was the dark empty garage. it sent a slight shiver down my spine. someone was coming my way. a girl. a blonde girl. she smiled at me and i smiled back. holding the gate for her she said her thanks. thanks i did not hear but saw mouthed as the music was still playing in my ear. did she live in the village? i did not know. i didn't mix around much with the occupants of the village or at all in fact. I shruged my shoulders and walked out to the road in front of the village. i stood outside a brightly lit window looking at the fan still frantically whizzing round and round. i wondered who lived inside and what they were like. =P oh! it was my room i was looking at. then i wonder. who i am and what i'm like. this may seem strange... but i somewhat miss your emails... they never fail to bring a smile to my face... and brighten up my day... hehe this is a picture taken during shimin's 21st birthday bbq... i was skewering a raw prawn with satay sticks... and looking gleeful and spiteful doing it... you see just a few prawns earlier i believe its fellow partner in crime decided to stab me with its sharp "beak", thus in sweet revenge i visciously skewered the prawns with great vigor... the expression was for dramatic value only... haha i aint sadistic in real life la... =P keke pictures copyrighted to jinng hwee (he took the pictures) =P

reflections; woman in the mirror

2006-04-03T23:30:00.000+08:00

OMFG!!! I was such a loony!?!?!? i was CRAZY man... clingy, needy, desperate, irrational n a total embarrassment... i see a reflection of myself... and its shouting out so loudly... when i hear such familiar words... things and feeling and words that i hear from another i see a reflection of myself in the past... and its scary... to know i was such an embarrassment and so... OMG... cant find a word for it... just... OMFG...!!! little man i'm sorry... i'm probably over sensitive as usual... but i feel as it u're kinda cheezzed off with me... anyhow... i'm sorry i couldn't talk earlier... *shakes my head* i feel as if i just got hit by a bus... feeling so ashamed of myself... so embarrassed... of my behaviour and my weakness... oh man... may i forever remember this moment and never forget... my failure so that i may learn from it... Who is that girl i see staring straight back at me... why is my reflection someone i don't know...

thank u & sorry

2006-04-02T19:17:00.000+08:00

the stew came out a little wierd... cos i added in honey... but char say other than the honey it was alright... sighz... feeling a little sad... i'm so sorry to have ruined things... if i could take it back i would... sighz... trying to study for my mid term test now... the test is early tml morning... feeling a little like shite... scolding myself for doing something so stupid... sighz... thank you for all u've done for me... u gave me a new lease on life... and i am forever grateful... take care kay... oh n guess wat ppl... i got an oil burn while cooking today... the oil spluttered out and onto my hand... small fleck of it... but its kinda red now... sighz... clumsy me...

stupid to a 'T'

2006-04-02T15:48:00.000+08:00

I know I stand in line Until you think you have the time To spend an evening with me And if we go someplace to dance I know that there's a chance You won't be leaving with me Then afterwards we drop into a quiet little place And have a drink or two And then I go and spoil it all By saying something stupid Like I love you I can see it in your eyes That you despise the same old lines You heard the night before And though it's just a line to you For me it's true And never seemed so right before I practice every day to find some clever lines to say To make the meaning come through But then I think I'll wait until the evening gets late And I'm alone with you The time is right Your perfume fills my head The stars get red And oh the night's so blue And then I go and spoil it all By saying something stupid Like I love you I love you... - Robbie Williams (Something Stupid) (note: original sung by frank sinatra) And then I go and spoil it all By saying something stupid Like I love you gonna try cooking lamb stew now... be back later to tok abt it... i'm improvising again from online recipes

regrets and double meanings

2006-04-01T22:15:00.000+08:00

hmm... i think i'm in the habit of doing stupid things sometimes... sighz... anyhows... got a mild headache... yup... again... its getting frequent... oh well... let my hair down and its feeling better but still a little pained... not alot just a little... anyhows... gonna slp after this but just wanted to say some things... sometimes we do things that we regret... but regrets are useless and pointless really... cos what's done is done... there's no turning back... so regretting is a waste of time, energy and emotional trauma... unless u learn from ur past mistakes... just some thoughts about regrets... was more coherent a while earlier... with thoughts of what i wanted to write about this.. now its all a huge jumbled mess... old memories and thoughts came back when little man n i were discussing some things n someone popped back into my head... *odd feeling magll has* anyhows... just wanted to say tt i'm sorry if i got carried away with the joke... i went too far i think... hope we're still friends... dun stop emailing me ya... it seemed like a cute n funny thing to say and do... but now after hours of pondering over it... i think its kinda stupid... so sorry... not something to "joke" abt... dear friend... i do care about you alot... and worry alot about you... please take care of yourself... and keep ur chin up... things will get better for you... i will catch you if u fall... cos no matter what i say or do or not at all... i'll be ur forever friend... *hugz* love, magll

i'm a smile person & i think u have a great smile =)

2006-04-01T19:26:00.000+08:00

was watching bride and prejudice on tv today after dinner... one of the characters (version of mr colins in pride and prejudice) said this... "no life without wife" tickled us so much we couldnt stop laughing... haha =P i think men these days think more along the lines... good life without wife... keke anyhows... it was a good laugh... the guy who played darcy is uber cute... haha... love his smile... i'm a smile person remember... keke =P in fact most of the cast are good looking... haha but i guess that's why its film... not real life...? keke now tt i've finish season 2 of csi i'm craving for more... haha wierd but true... =P hey one and all... before this day ends... i just wanna wish ya'll... happy april fool's day... keke =P

laundry day... =P

2006-04-01T15:06:00.000+08:00

its 5.06pm now in gold coast australia... just went thru alot of quotes on love... was looking for a quote to show my fren reuben... cant find it but found lots more that caught my attention or my eye... love really has a big following huh... and remember my fyp project ppl... haha looks like my tagline wasnt all that original =P "Love isn't finding a perfect person. It's seeing an imperfect person perfectly." - unknown "We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly" - Sam Keen and what did i say? "love isn't about finding the perfect person, but loving the imperfect person perfectly" - magll haha... oh well... =P there're more... and some have my comments about the quote... happy reading... "Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties" - Jules Renard (French Writer, 1864-1910) haha guess now u all noe why i'm stupid... =P esp the times u all said i were or when i knew i was stupid... keke "I'm not supposed to love you, I'm not supposed to care, I'm not supposed to live my life wishing you were there. I'm not supposed to wonder where you are or what you do...I'm sorry I can't help myself, I'm in love with you." - unknown hmm... *magll's thinking* "We cease loving ourselves if no one loves us." - unknown this explains alot about me... haha "When we're incomplete, we're always searching for somebody to complete us. When, after a few years or a few months of a relationship, we find that we're still unfulfilled, we blame our partners and take up with somebody more promising. This can go on and on--series polygamy--until we admit that while a partner can add sweet dimensions to our lives, we, each of us, are responsible for our own fulfillment. Nobody else can provide it for us, and to believe otherwise is to delude ourselves dangerously and to program for eventual failure every relationship we enter." - Tom Robbins (American Novelist. b.1936) hmm... *magll's thinking* "The wounds of love can only be healed by the one who made them." - Publilius Syrus (Roman author, 1st century B.C.) ok... if this is true... i'm screwed... right kiara... =P "Love is a serious mental disease." - Plato quotes (Ancient Greek Philosopher He was the world's most influential philosopher. 428 BC-348 BC) haha... dear mr plato... haha... u're right man... i agree... =P i have a serious mental disease... thankfully its not transferable... keke... "The hardest part about being friends, is loving you so much" - unknown wow... tt says it all... haha oh well... it doesnt matter anymore doesnt it... =P "Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it oepns up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love." - Neil Gaiman quotes (English born American Novelist, Journalist, Screenwriter, Children's author and Comics writer of American Gods, amongst many others, b.1960) i like what he says here... *magll's thinking again* anyhows... as the title says... today is laundry day... haha finally... after nearly 2 months... not tt i havent done any washing at all... just the bed linens lah... duh... =P got some pictures... haha have fun looking at em... =P haha look at the mess we made of our apartment too while trying to dry our clothes... yea mum we used the dryer too but it still wasnt totally dry... n since there's a freakin rule that we cant hang our clothes to dry ourside at our balcony rail... we improvised with what nature provided us... the sun n where it was shinning into our room... keke... =P oh well... it took us quite a while to wash n dry our clothes n bed linen... haha... so our day was burnt out... we WERE supposed to go gym early this morning at 9am... haha but we both woke up late... so go figure... but the gym provides us with personal trainers u noe... if u pay for membership la tt is... but even if u pay membership fees... u still need to pay per entry which isnt exactly cheap either... arun one of the singaporean guys staying at uni village too calculated it out to be about $20 a month for a yr's membership so its $5 a week... while the per entry costs is $6 (without trainer) and the 10 entries passes cost about $55 so... we're still deciding... =P oh... they have free yoga n boxing classes or something too... =P pilates is an extra $2 though... keke... cool stuff... munching as i type... maraconi with raisins and condensed milk... ah pak style... keke... without the fruits... =P u noe how long this entry took me... haha... about 2 to 3 hrs lor... =P i'm crazy... =P take care ya'll tee... before u freak out... pls bear in mind the day today... keke... =P *mischevious grin*

supermarket day

2006-03-30T18:41:00.000+08:00

today's another supermarket day... we bought tons of groceries... nearly $100 worth of food, household items and personal items... 35 + 15 + 55 + 14 there abouts la... well tts for the 2 of us... will be doing the accounts for the day in a while... will post it up for u all to see a sample... haha... =P ya ya ya i noe not exactly fantastic or a proper accounts... but... it works for us... =P ----------------------------------------------------------------- accounts (30th Mar 2006) lunch: total - $5.00 (i paid) each - $2.50 woolsworth: total - $14.27 (i paid) monica - $3.98 + $3.82 = $7.80 char - $2.66 + $3.82 = $6.48 formosa asian: total - $34.85 (i paid) market monica - $8.09 + $13.38 = $21.47 char - $13.38 coles: total - $54.26 (i paid) monica - $12.50 + $18.63 = $31.13 char - $4.50 + $18.63 = $23.13 warehouse: total - $7.00 (i paid) monica - $2.75 char - $1.50 + $2.75 = $4.25 cab fare: total - $14.20 (char paid) each - $7.10 char owe me: $2.50 + $6.48 + $13.38 + $23.13 + $4.25 = $49.74 i owe char: $7.10 in the end char owe me: $49.74 - $7.10 = $42.64 ----------------------------------------------------------------- today something really interesting happened... char n i were eating lunch... shared a pizza... =P n suddenly a middle aged guy came up to char and asked her where she was from... char told him 'singapore' and he said that char was very beautiful... =P i couldnt stop smiling for quite a while... it was quite funny... the whole scenario... i mean we all noe char is beautiful... but wat the guy said n did was really funny... and the look on char's face was classic... haha... the guy kept looking back at char... haha... with a goofy grin on his face... which made me wanna laugh even more... char... u really are very beautiful... as explained by me earlier... if frens say u're beautiful its because u are beautiful inside as well as outside... but if strangers come up to u and say u're beautiful... u're really beautiful... haha which is why i strongly feel charlotte lam xue hua should try out for our miss singapore universe pagent... keke... =P right ricia and gerald... keke... then the topic went on to 'beautiful people are more listened to...' i mean think about it... if this were not true to some extent... why would one miss universe be chosen every year and then asked to spread word about AIDS prevention and etc... would u listen to these gorgeous women... or... would u listen to this girl...? yea yea i noe beauty isnt everything but it sure helps... =P oh well... =P keke looking forward to this yr's pagent... =) one of my junior prefects from kc is competing... haha... so interesting... but... if u take a look at the contestants from other countries... you'd be blown away... miss singapopre universe 2006... good luck sia... sighz... ya... and today i will showcase my australian mishaps... haha... well more like injuries i sustained in australia so far... ya... i'm clumsy and accident prone... i get the wierdst injuries... i got a blister... a bad one on my leg.. because of my sandals... a bit of skin on my thumb got fried when it came into contact with the grill in the oven... and of course... when i used the wooden bows at the gold coast archery club... either the bow was not suited to me or my form was crap... but i got canned by the bow string... badly... got a little blood... well u cant see in the picture la... it dried up by the time i took the picture.. for those of u who dunno... fifi is my husband... and my bow is my husband... therefore... fifi = husband = my bow keke... =P anyhows i figured tt my husband, fifi the bow, decided to punish me for not bringing him to the range to shoot and especially for shooting with another bow... keke... gonna go back to csi... makes me feel as if any day any time... crime can befall anyone... intentionally or unintentionally... a crime could occur... a little overwhelmed and scared... haha... oh well... beauty = truth (?) beauty = wisdom (?) socrates was intelligent but socrates was ugly... so beauty and wisdom has no connection isnt it... if there isnt a lack of love, one will not desire love... its a balance... where there is a lack, there is desire... one desires qualities in a another that they feel they themselves lack... and thus they compliment each other...

romance and maddness

2006-03-29T16:33:00.000+08:00

do u noe how many times i check my hotmail account now? once every 2 hours maybe less...!?!?!?! i'm crazy... romance... everyone seems to have a romance problem... sighz...

hold out the bucket for me... i need to puke

2006-03-28T23:06:00.000+08:00

just finished watching 4 episodes of csi... a little creeped out... u all noe la... i'm not a fan of blood and gore or even detective types... wat possessed me to take popular fiction and mass culture with a focus on noir is beyond me... now i feel a little puky from the decompossing body they called the liquid man and some internal organs that was constructed for the scenes where they go into the body to show the audience how the person died etc... man... i couldn't stomach that man... its way worse than anything on xing jing 2 ren zu... ew... as for whether it helped me in my detective writing... urm... not sure yet... too tired to think right now... to piece what i saw with the possibilities of my piece... but it sure is thru the detective's eye... this is my creative project homework... "... it can involve any sort of crime and any sort of criminal/s, but as part of the investigation the reader must, in Paul Auster's words, "become awake to the things around... as if they might speak... as if because of the attentiveness [the investigator] now brings to them, they might begin to carry a meaning other than the simple fact of their existence" (Reader, p.31) oh man... i'm thinking tt it means i have to... actually... the more i read this the less i'm sure what it means i have to do... sighz... am i reading too much into it? second guessing everything too much? sighz... will think about it in the morning... got class early... gonna sleep now... but i'm thinking... i quite like csi... as long as i dun watch it before i sleep or once the sky turns dark... i'm too much of a coward to be able to stomach it and not get nightmares or feel insecure and wary and scared... sheesh... my tummy churning already... partly cos of indigestion and partly from the show i feel... well one down... 3 more detective shows left... well got lots more but i'm refering to the ones i have i guess... still comtemplating if i really dare to or want to put myself through elijah wood's human eating habits in sin city again for this module... brrr... enuff... before i really freak out too much... night night singapore... detective n mystery's always been ur thing mum... not mine... ew.... any detective novels u have to lend me? send 'em over man... n if anyone has any other movies to suggest for noir... let me know... i'll be watching this space =)

and the award goes to...

2006-03-28T15:41:00.000+08:00

"When I say, "I love you," it's not because I want you or because I can't have you. It has nothing to do with me. I love what you are, what you do, how you try. I've seen your kindness and your strength. I've seen the best and the worst of you. And I understand with perfect clarity exactly what you are. You're a hell of a woman." - Spike to Buffy Joss Whedon (American Screenwriter, Producer and Creator of the show Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Also known for Toy Story, Alien Resurrection, and Angel, b.1964) aw... so sweet... keke =P maybe someday some guy will say something like that to me huh... keke... =P ya right... i wish... dream on sia... keke... my mind is better used for realistic dreams and useful ones... =P "You want me to act like we've never kissed, you want to forget; pretend we've never met , and I've tried and I've tried, but I haven't yet... You walk by, and I fall to pieces." - Patsy Cline hmm... dunno why i put this here... i guess it struck me... no real feelings about it... just wanted to remember it so i put it in my blog i guess.... "i fall to pieces..." nope... not anymore buster... keke... i had a dream... a dream i used to consider a nightmare... abt getting married... haha its the worst ever... but i woke up feeling ok... no drama or crying or anything... haha just... oh ok... haha its been a while... "Loving someone that doesn't love you is like reaching for a star. You know you'll never reach it, but you just got to keep trying." - unknown hmm... something i shouldn't put here... cos its not for all cases... haha... i guess on more positive moments and scenarios... i would agree with this quote... but... i guess... love is unpredictable... it seems to come and go as it pleases and so quickly... it can come as fast as it can go... but i guess... love is just love... love is but one factor in relationships... it takes a tad of fate and a truckload of work to make things work... anyhows... i also very happy for michelle... who just recently joined the goh family and is now mrs michelle goh... keke... really happy for her... not my immediate family la of course... my brother's like only wat... 19 haha... nah.. her bf... well husband's surname is goh u see... keke... 070707 keke... nice date chelle... keke... "I mistrust total competence. I've always felt life is a series of small disasters we try to get through." - Michael Palin haha this goes out to u kenny... =P "Anyone who thinks that they are too small to make a difference has never tried to fall asleep with a mosquito in the room." - Christie Todd Whitman haha i find this one funny... cos it reminds me of kenny's mosquito post... keke... =P so i just had to add this in... keke... well if u dunno who is kenny and what i'm refering to... click here keke just wanna laugh when i saw this quote... very funny lor... hahahaha today was a good day at school... the tutorial today was really interesting... it was mostly coversations and discussion about writing and setting... but i actually liked it... and was listening attentively... and i love love love nigel (the tutor) he helped me figure out a way to break out of my block... you see i have a story idea... a character, a message i wanna put across... but stuck with the storyline itself... and the details that fatten up and make the message juicy... lots of storyboarding to do now... keke... and of course recieving an email when i only expected one late at night made coming back from school a joy... keke... and we got a really interesting mail from the first occupants of room 23/8 tonga place, university village... stayed here in the year 2002... haha they mailed us a letter telling us about their time when they were here... in the very apartment we were staying at... haha... it was really funny... and cool i might add... i just added a thought tt if all the occupants of this apartment were to agree to send a snail mail from where ever they were on a particular day... it'd be really cool... haha... can u imagine the occupants would recieve so many letters on tt particular day or week... haha me n char were laughing so much while eating lunch and reading their letter... keke... kebab by the way... keke... we were too hungry after school to cook lunch... a whooping AUD$7.50 for mine... ouch... but we had a short chat with the turkish guy who owned the shop... haha said he transitted in changi airport a couple of times... haha n said singapore was very clean... haha... and singapore is known only for her airport and cleanliness? gosh... =P haha anyway need to do research for my detective writing piece... watching la confidential, csi, in the cut and pelican brief... so not my type of movie... but i need to get some ideas and to figure out what noir really is... so... see ya around ppl... and i would like to thank the academy for giving me the opportunity to stand here to and recieve this award... (haha kiddin) i would to thank the hordes of frens who stood by me without you i would cry a thousand times more and "die" a million times more... thank you too my newfound old friend... for being my diversion and distraction... (refer to email) and for being so diligent in ur replies... keke =P and thank you for making me feel alive again... all tingly and hopeful... thank you mummy... for trusting me and letting me come to australia... for trusting my reasons and letting me learn to grow up...

complex package; take or leave, accept or walk away

2006-03-28T06:39:00.000+08:00

i'm still the scary girl who asks too much arent i? =P "There comes a time when you have to stand up and shout: This is me damn it! I look the way I look, think the way I think, feel the way I feel, love the way I love! I am a whole complex package. Take me... or leave me. Accept me - or walk away! Do not try to make me feel like less of a person, just because I don't fit your idea of who I should be and don't try to change me to fit your mold. If I need to change, I alone will make that decision. When you are strong enough to love yourself 100%, good and bad - you will be amazed at the opportunities that life presents you." --- Copyright © 2000 Stacey Charter i wish i had the strength the love myself 100%... to accept my past failings and love myself gd or bad... life is getting better by the day... with the help of old friends and newfound old friends... =P thank you... kenny... think about these... "Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it." - Bill Cosby quotes "Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections." "The key to change... is to let go of fear." - Rosanne Cash quotes "The great thing is, if one can, to stop regarding all the unpleasant things as interruptions in one's "own" or "real" life. The truth is, of course, that what one regards as interruptions are precisely one's life." - C.S. Lewis quotes (British Scholar and Novelist. 1898-1963) without the bad times... we wouldn't know what good is... the bad in life makes you appreciate the good you'll recieve later in your life... the cycle never ends... like a neverending story... life is made up of ups and downs... without the downs the ups will not mean anything except that life is normal... a flatline... its how you wanna view the bad in your life that matters... cos we have no control whether good or bad will befall us anytime of anyday... but we can control how we react to it and how we learn to deal with it... it isn't easy... but its the process of learning that makes us all better people and its the process that makes our lives, not just interesting, but worthwhile as well... *hugz* take care boy... its good to find old friends again... and find out that life, though not perfect... is good enough to smile and laugh about... i'm happy cos u're happy... i'm happy cos i know u're doing well... take care dear friends...

gerald!!! i found him!!!! =P

2006-03-27T07:23:00.000+08:00

gerald darling...!!! i found him!?!?!?!?!?! i found him!!!!!!! haha on my other email account... in my huge long contact list... ahhhh!!!! i'm ecstatic .. =P keke... so happy... haha... *giggling* oh man... my jaw is aching from smiling too much and too long... hahaha =P its been 4 yrs man... since before the time of fabian lor.. i just counted... =P hahaha... yipeee... keke... gosh i'm like crazy... one minute super depressing... one minute super high... haha... =P nothing's gonna spoil my mood today baby

evil past, evil me

2006-03-26T20:45:00.000+08:00

we all make mistakes... we all have done things in our lives that we're not proud of... sometimes... thinking about the past... thinking about the people i hurt... thinking about the lives i ruined... i feel evil... i feel like i'm a bad person... i feel guilty... saying sorry is so hard to do... and i know saying sorry isn't enough... i know... because people who have hurt me say sorry... and sorry doesnt change anything, sorry doesnt make things better... i still feel angry sometimes, and i still feel the hurt sometimes... someone who has betrayed me before... when i bump into that person... we can talk and all but deep down inside... there is a small pinch... the pinch that still affects me and tells me to be careful... to not let myself be hurt by that person again... it was so long ago... more than 10 years... and still i feel the discomfort... yet... for some... i can forgive (given time) even though the hurt dealt was much deeper and stronger... strange... i found a few lost friends on friendster... some i've hurt in the past... even though the hurt caused was not intentional... i am the cause of the hurt and suffering... because my actions caused the wrong... it is my fault... and i know nothing can be done to amend... and saying sorry isnt enough... alot of random thoughts in my head... (sorry little man... i dun think this is as good an entry as i hoped it'd be) sometimes i feel as if the world is constantly judging me... criticising me... that i am always not good enough... thus the story of alexia, little man and dear kenny... perhaps it is karma... that i should suffer now... for the wrong i have done unto others... out of pt but... i burnt my thumb baking fish... now got blister... but the fish tasted real good... =P i improvised... keke... its cool to be able to cook something that tastes good... and my head is swimming again... these headaches are coming too frequently and too regularly... sighz... let down my hair still headache... guess its not my tied up hair tts causing it... gonna go sleep now... headache is getting to me... cannot tahan liaoz... hope i dream of him tonight... haha joke ppl joke... =P

love-rialistic

2006-03-25T08:25:00.000+08:00

dreams will always just remain dreams if one doesnt wanna work hard to make dreams up in heaven truth on earth - magll relationships is abt compromise n abt learning to accept each other's gd n bad and to allow the gd n bad to compliment each other to last a lifetime... - magll was chatting with my "daddy" this morning... =P reminising about the cj times and discussing past, present and future... its interesting to talk about the past now... cos at different points of your life you feel differently about the past and have different and new perspectives about them... same with talking or thinking about the future... anyway... i had a dream with teehoon in it... haha strange cos i never thought about him for a really really long time now... i mean... long sia... at least 2 yrs... keke... ok la not say very long... =P but still strange...u all remember teehoon? keke... =P anyway lost contact with him though i still have his email address... =P maybe i'll email him re connect with an old friend... =P in fact... i've been emailing alot and friendster messaging some too... keke... =P old friends i've lost touch with... keke... i just realised tt most of my cj frens dun read my blog but i was thinking of organising a 25th council get together... but as daddy pointed out to me... i think alot of people won't turn up... haha sorry lizzy... =P but i just might try to set one up at the end of the year when i go back to singapore... keke anyway... i was looking thru friendster... still looking actually... breaked for breakfast... keke... brings back memories... anyway gonna do what i said i'd do... =P long list man... wait ur turn ppl... keke... kiddin... see ya around i'm a love-rialistic person... not money... not looks... just a man who knows how to love his woman...

forever friends... ?

2006-03-24T06:40:00.000+08:00

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind." - Dr. Seuss quotes what people around me think and feel about me and what i say or do is very important to me.... opposite of the quote... you know something... some people are always critising me... unhappy with the way i am, what i do, what i say... being unhappy with me for not liking the way i am, the things i say and feel or do doesnt help me at all... not just because of the above quote... but because being mean and unhappy doesnt help me become a better person... it only hurts me... then i stand there alone wondering what did i do wrong, what did i say wrong and what did i feel (and react) wrong... the breakdown of communication... but i guess... when interest dies and feelings sour... that's what happens... the person becomes unhappy and judgemental and mean and doesnt say much to guide the person back on the right path... my friends cannot stand me when i get all weepy and upset over the same old issues... but they don't react to that by being mean, upset and cold to me... they tell me to quit it give me the same advice they've given me over and over again and then try to cheer me up or talk about other things... to guide me back to earth... that's what a real friend is... "... because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind..." "A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out." - Walter Winchell quotes there's somethings i want to say in regards to this quote some personal thoughts... but... i think it is best left to fester inside my head and my heart... i just need someone to hug me while i cry... to make the hurt go away... and it'll be ok... no questions asked... just a warm embrace to sooth the ache... i feel like i'm losing all my friends... being here alone makes me so isolated... its sad to walk out one life and somehow have to walk out of everything connected as well... my frens can be classified in a few small groups... my jie mei men... my archery friends... my jc fren (lizzy n daddy)... the kc gang... a few poly frens... zu n rach and tts it... and i feel so detached from everyone... everyone has their own lives to lead... i guess... just feeling... at the moment... anyway... maybe its time for me to be the one to make the move... n not wait for others... so maybe its my fault... "The most beautiful discovery true friends make is that they can grow separately without growing apart." - Elisabeth Foley quotes "true friendship isn't about being there when it's convenient; it's about being there when it's not." "Good friends are like stars.... You don't always see them, but you know they are always there" " don't wish to be everything to everyone, but I would like to be something to someone." -Javan quotes (Iranian born American Inventor, (invented gas laser 1960) b.1946) "Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was a choice, but falling in love with you I had no control over." dunno who wrote that quote... just found it nice... struck a chord...

something else is more important than fear, courage

2006-03-20T22:17:00.000+08:00

Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear. ~Ambrose Redmoon Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow. ~Mary Anne Radmacher It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare. ~Mark Twain Sometimes even to live is an act of courage. ~Lucius Annaeus Seneca, Letters to Lucilius Courage is being afraid but going on anyhow. ~Dan Rather Courage is doing what you're afraid to do. There can be no courage unless you're scared. ~Edward Vernon Rickenbacker Courage is the power to let go of the familiar. ~Raymond Lindquist To live with fear and not be afraid is the final test of maturity. ~Edward Weeks A timid person is frightened before a danger, a coward during the time, and a courageous person afterward. ~Jean Paul Richter Have the courage to live. Anyone can die. ~Robert Cody "Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened." - Dr. Seuss quotes i promise i'll try... i'll try to smile because it happened... i'll try not to cry because it's over... i'm trying everyday...

He's here but not hereHe's gone but not goneJust hope he knows...Give me the strength to carry on...

2006-03-20T19:42:00.000+08:00

The cry of the city like a siren's song Wailing over the rooftops the whole night long Saw a shooting star like a diamond in the sky Must be someone's soul passing by These are the streets Where we used to run where your Papa's from These are the days Where you become what you become These are the streets Where the story's told The truth unfolds Darkness settles in Shine your light down on me Lift me up so i can see Shine your light when you're gone Give me the strength To carry on, carry on Don't wanna be a hero Just an everyday man Trying to do the job the very best he can But now it's like living on borrowed time Out on the rim, over the line Always tempting fate like a game of chance Never wanna stick around to the very last dance Sometimes i stumble and take a hard fall Loose(?) hold your grip off the wall Shine your light down on me Lift me up so i can see Shine your light when you're gone Give me the strength to carry on Carry on I thought i saw him walking by the side of the road Maybe trying to find his way home He's here but not here He's gone but not gone Just hope he knows if I get lost Shine your light down on me Lift me up so i can see Shine your light when you're gone Give me the strength to carry on To carry on - Robbie Robertson's Shine Your Light feeling... feeling a little low... feeling a little nostalgic... its the song i think...

fear n fishes

2006-03-20T18:13:00.000+08:00

when a person feels immense fear for something, there's 2 effects it can achieve... fear can cause the person to run as fast as possible away from it... or... fear can propel the person to go straight into the heart of it... once you start running, you run forever.. yet plunging straight into it doesnt mean that one will fight fear and come out of it a winner... it might just do the opposite and increase the fear that is felt... i fear... and some of my greatest fears came true and came to life... so what do i do now? i fight... i try to fight my fears so i give myself a chance to live without fear in the future... will this work? i dunno... but... this is the worst it can get isnt it little man? no worse... so when you hit rock bottom.. there's no where else to go but up, up and up.. if fishes were wishes come true... i'd buy a whole ocean full of 'em... and live underwater all my life... fishes aren't wishes come true... but i still love to watch 'em... swimming about minding their own business... fishes aren't wishes come true... but fishes live life while life leads me...

if wishes were like fishes i'd own the ocean

2006-03-19T20:25:00.001+08:00

happy birthday kRystAl keke... urm... yea i noe i wished you already... and you probably don't read my blog... but what the hell... haha HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! hope u like the present i sent back for ya... urm... hope its ok... keke... winkz... must show kenny wat i got u... keke... =P hope the bbq is a success and that everyone has a great time tonight... =P wish i could go... hmm... urm... actually... considering the current circumstances... maybe tts not entirely true... but... haha yea.. i miss you guys... have fun tomorrow at marche yea... the tp outing... =P *winkz* how did i noe... kekeke... i've got my spies people...!?!?!?! keke... wish i could have talked to you longer and more just now... but urm... i was on my handphone and my pre paid card is running low... so sorry... anyway... take care dear friends... in sunny singapore... thinking about you all... esp my best fren zu who's missing in action... where are you boy... humph... still a long way off... but i'm gonna get there... some way... some how...

the dive

2006-03-18T19:09:00.000+08:00

went diving today... stayed underwater for a total of 20 mins today... oh man... went snorkelling too... in a super tight wet suit... n big finned "feet" oh man... the oxygen tank is so heavy... the minute the vest was deflated i sank slowly to the sandy bottom flat on my tummy, legs and hands... like lead sinking to the bottom... 'clunk' oh man... it was quite cool... all the fishes right in front of your eyes... literally... where you can simply reach out and touch the fishes... though they swim really fast away from prying hands... keke... white and translucent fishes with black tipped fins, looking like pomfert fishes... then there's a really cute glowing blue, green and yellow fish also... i even feed the fishes haha so cute... the way they slowly inch towards the food in your fingers then at lightning speed peck at the food from your fingers... then speed away as fast as their tiny fins can bring them... hahaha so cute... it was really hard to breathe underwater through your mouth... up on the surface when you pinch your nose and breathe through your mouth it is so much easier than underwater cos underwater your nose isnt pinched... you just gotta keep telling your body n brain to breathe through your mouth not the nose... its tough u know... after breathing through your mouth for 20 mins and more... you feel kinda wierd and your mouth kinda aches and you're itching to go back to breathing normally through your nose... kinda makes you appreciate your nose more... oh! and the pressure and the blocked ears... it doesnt hurt... but it kinda irritates you and makes you feel uncomfortable... i lasted 20 mins underwater... the currents were very strong i can't stay still and cant not be pushed by the waves back and forth and back and forth... kinda gave me a headache... and when the boat was anchored the boat kinda made me feel a little motion sickness and felt a little uncomfortable... but when you're in the water especailly underwater... its beautiful... and fascinating... they had a mini bbq on board too... haha but i felt a little too sick in the stomach to eat much or at all... the motion sickness thing is making me think twice about going full throttle into the open water diving course... but i'm keen... haha gonna read up more first then see how... =P do u noe that even though i'm back on solid land in my head i still can feel the up and down bobbing of the waves... like i'm still out on the boat... whoosie man... haha wierd too... i wish i could take all the pictures of the underwater life... keke... maybe be an underwater photographer... hehe... its a long way off... but i'm getting there... some way... some how... diving ain't easy man... dun see 'the champion' and think diving so easy peasy... well it isnt... but at least i tried it... and i am thinking about continuing with the full course... =P Tahiti Bora Bora Island ladies and gentlemen... i wanna go....!!!!! sob sob...

as promised... magll's to do list

2006-03-17T21:48:00.000+08:00

1) Learn to dive - Qualify as a diver and dive in many parts of australia, singapore, tioman etc 2) Learn horse back riding 3) Learn to skate - Learn to figure skate 4) Learn to surf 5) Graduate from Griffith University with a good degree at least - Go overseas (to the UK or US etc) for an exchange programme 6) Learn some languages - Japanese - Spanish - French - Korean - Italian - Latin 7) Learn to dance/ a dance - Salsa - Hip Hop - Ballet 8) Read more books (maybe a book in a week first then increase gradually) - be more knowledgable - read wikipedia everyday at least - try to read the news more 9) Make my own movie 10) Be an actress - in a play - in a drama series - in a film 11) Be a singer - cut an album 12) Design wedding gowns as a job 13) Help couples plan their wedding 14) Be a pagent consultant for Miss Universe - anything involving the pagent - an impossible dream was to be the first Singapore representative to win the Miss Universe crown for Singapore... hahaha 15) Set up a family website for my mum and her side of the family 16) Write more - write my own novella - get my works published - make a career out of writing - write songs, poems and articles - work for first magazine 17) Travel the world - go to athens - go to the land of the midnight sun - stay at the ice hotel - visit santa claus village - go to england - go to france - tour tokoyo and discover more of japan - visit all the states of america - write about my travels and share it with the world - become a tour guide and do some of the above 18) (another impossible dream) become a air stewardess - so i can travel to many places (refer to 17) 19) Be a film critic 20) Be a teacher 21) Go to an Olympics event at least once in my lifetime (live) - as a spectator as well as a competitor 22) Compete in the Olympics and represent my country 23) Go to a stanley cup match and watch the finals live 24) Be a matchmaker 25) Be a jewellery designer 26) Get a tattoo 27) Get a jeep 28) Discover australia while i'm here 29) Lose weight and shape up to look good in a bikini - then get more bikinis kekeke - exercise more - go to the gym - swim more (in the sea maybe??? =P) 30) Have a loving husband and family - be a understanding and great mother and friend to my children - be a fun and cool grandmother to my grand children and great grand children 31) Be a movie guru!!! (kekeke) 32) Solve a mystery 33) Go to space 34) Lie on the beach at night staring at a big sky of stars and a bright moon 35) Learn to play tennis properly (again... sighz...) and the list goes on... =) mummy... thank you... i feel much lighter... telling u what i feel n all... haha never imagined i would tell you what that i did tell you... it isn't much... and it doesnt catch up on the past 10 15 years of my so called woes n problems... but its a start right...? coming to australia... even if i dun achieve one of the major things i came here to do... i know it has brought me closer to u... thats for sure... its also made me miss n realise how much i miss home n everyone n everything at home... i guess i'll still have issues with talking about personal stuff face to face... but we'll see i guess.. . =) mummy... i guess i'm growing up n changing again... hope to read ur comments abt the love entry... =P haha u gotta learn to work tt thing man.. =) night... =P love you...

eros

2006-03-17T07:06:00.000+08:00

love is shy... when people look for love... love hides in corners and alleys... until by fate, someone stumles upon love and finds him... the harder you look for love in a crowd... the harder love will hide away from you... life isn't just about love... life isn't only about finding love... life shouldn't only be about finding love... you can spend your whole life looking for love... but it'll all be just a big waste of time... because love finds people... love finds people who are walking in the crowd... while the others are standing still, looking for him... love finds a man who walks about his own life in the crowd... and he finds a woman who walks about her own life in the crowd... then magic happens because love lent a helping had a hand... and love happens... a part of me dies everyday... literally... just today... while combing my hair.. i saw a strand of my hair floating down and i looked in the mirror... staring at my reflection... then i realise... a part of me dies everyday... literally.... tis sad and true.. yet knowing this truth is no bigger revelation... until you realise... as a part of you dies each day... you have less and less time to do all te things you want to do or dream of doing... =P this point leads me to the next entry... where you will see magll's list of to dos before all of me dies... *still working on it you see* =P now i'm hungry and almost late and gonna put on my ring to cook me-self some breakfast... =P ciao... kiara sorry for not talking yesterday night... was really tired... mummy... sorry we din talk... i was tired... take care... *hugz*

missin' kiara

2006-03-11T21:22:00.000+08:00

kiara... i think i'm too dependant on u... sighz... i'm thinking again... where are you...? carrying a heavy heart...

freaking a$$holes...

2006-03-11T14:39:00.000+08:00

went to return a dvd at the shop near my place... i walked on minding my own business... yes i was alone... there was a group of 3 guys walking towards me... i mean i dun noe them so i just walk on minding my own business... as they walked past me... one of the guys suddenly shouted 'boo!' just at my ear there... i jumped... my heart felt like it was about to jump out of my mouth... i was shocked... n the jerks just laughed... while my heart was pounding rapidly... reeling from the shock... what a jerk man... irritating... why do they do that? damn it... boys are stupid, men are assholes that is why you my friend are my little man... keke =P maybe its retribution... sighz...

the human condition

2006-03-11T11:31:00.000+08:00

char gave me the link to this famous blogger's site... ok ok call me slow but i didn't even know she existed... pardon me but i don't really read the newspapers... though i do read 8 days and she was featured there before... but maybe i was just toally not interested in her.... oops... *grinz* and *grinz to char like the alice in wonderland cheshire cat* anyway if you, like me, don't know what i'm refering to... well... here's the site... but reflecting on my circle of friends... haha i think you all will be as affected as i was when i went to this site... click this -> to take a look the famous blog and i mean affected in the non-positive way... =P sorry... =P reading this blog made me kinda vocal and sort of disgusted... it makes me wanna throw up and pushes me to write better... or rather blog better... it also makes me think in a way... about the human condition... (school's getting to me already) thinking about critcism, freedom of speech and human nature... i mean... if you are vocal about other what people say, how people look (citing the entry on miss singapore universe ms sandy chua) and everything else, its fine... as long as you do it politely and in a diplomatic manner i guess... there's a difference between being frank and being crude and rude... i guess i don't really like the style and way she criticises... but who am i to comment... its her blog she can write or say whatever she wants... maybe by commenting her... i am as bad as she is... i can understand not being able to take criticism because i admit here and now that i don't really take criticism well... not many have criticised me before but the experiences i've had were not pleasant and have resulted in violent langauge in one of my other blogs (yes i have more than one =P) i guess, one should give criticism only when one can accept criticism... it is only fair... and my personal pov (point of view) is that she critises but cannot take criticisms... but who cares right? keke =P maybe i too am like her... freedom of speech is sort of tied in with criticism i guess... yes its a personal blog, and who cares what people think or say... but still... i guess because we have freedom of speech (to some extent) we need to be responsible for what we write and say and mean in whatever we do... the manner in which we write, speak or communicate our views reflect our character and how we appear to others... through blogging that is, what we write and post online reflect who we are as people and show others our personality and character... in fact, reading the above blog shows me a general but clear picture of what she is like in real life... and it kind of reminds me of a young cdans archer i know (aquaintance that is) i mean martin luther king had a very stong point to make... and many strong views but he did it with grace and style... human nature... haha had a discussion in class about the human condition and i find that this blog and my reaction reminds me of the human condition... i haven't really sorted out my thoughts or formulated the thoughts well yet... but its getting there... maybe i'll remember to blog about it later but maybe won't we'll see... =P miss singapore universe is approaching again... keke can't wait... =P let the bitching begin... as i expect many people to want to have a say about this and that... it is human to do so i guess... by the way... ken... remember ur friend kelvin tan or was it chan... kenneth's god son from our lady of perpetual succour (OLPS) yup... he's on her blog... check it out =) kelvin for you maybe you can find him again... and celine... that was your kc prom date... remember? keke... =P kekeke... funny la... =) media and its effects... freedom of speech...? tsk tsk...

laugh a little ppl

2006-03-09T15:36:00.000+08:00

i was reading wikipedia... then i found this funny... =P today's wikipedia... =) laugh a little ppl... its at least a little funny... keke "A man goes into a shop to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter, looks at the various models on display and asks the shop assistant in a puzzled way: "Why is Divorced Barbie so much more expensive than the other dolls?" "That's easy, sir" replies the shop assistant, "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's house, Ken's furniture..."" "To counter accusations of gender stereotyping, career Barbies have been released. These include astronaut, gymnast, rapper and soldier models. She also ran for President after breaking up with Ken." smile though your heart is aching... smile even though its breaking...

someone else

2006-03-09T14:21:00.000+08:00

why do u all have so much faith in me when i have none for myself...? i think as a human being i have degraded n am no longer a human of good personality i feel ugly inside as well as outside suddenly i feel that if i were another person looking at me.. i'd depise me and not like me... if i were someone else... looking at me... i'd not take a second look cos i know and feel deep down inside... i wouldn't wanna be associated with me... i wouldn't wanna be friends with me... why do i feel this way? *shrugs my shoulder* i just do... u noe something... everyday when i walk to school on my own... i'd take a deep breath in... smell the air and smile to myself... i feel happy... then i start dreaming... dreaming of him... dreaming of that someone... and i giggle to myself... living that dream as i walk to school each day...

星闪闪's on!!!

2006-03-09T10:21:00.000+08:00

glancing through mediacorp website... 星闪闪 is finally on tv... =P piere png ladies and gentlemen... miss mediacorp... miss working there that is... the people i met there... the busy schedule and the hectic and odd hours... even the scoldings and the sufferings... =P cant wait till 形警2人组 shows on tv... keke... my debut... haha... though it might already be cut out who knows... =P mummy must help me record it leh... pls... keke =P thank u... u noe mummy... its kinda strange to tok to u on skype... i mean we talk so much more now tt i'm overseas than we really did in singapore... though i still rather write emails or blog here or write letters as a means of coversing with u... i dunno... i guess hiding behind my words is easier... than having to talk face to face... which is why i kinda dread the day when my webcam is working and ill have to tok face to face with u... i guess what i'm saying is that i feel more comfortable and open and more willing to share through my blog and through writing emails and letters than on skype... maybe because i'm scared to show myself directly... face to face... i wanted solitude the past few days... i'm really sorry little man... though it kinda helped that the internet was so crap the past few days... so its a little of both... cooking porridge as i type this... its taking a rather long time... the porridge... little man... i dunno if i can do it... anyway... gotta do my reading for tml's tutorial... sorry, my little man...

diarrhoea-ing again...!!!

2006-03-06T18:43:00.000+08:00

diarrhoea-ing again... *rushes to toilet* sighz... my tummy is always so weak... =( the chicken today tasted a little sour... can chicken have expiry date? even if we put it in the freezer? the chicken's expiry date was 1st march... hmm... the egg plant tasted sour too... or is it just us? my tummy!!!!!

pms blogging: there is no reason just hurt n tears

2006-03-05T09:28:00.000+08:00

i cant stop crying... i cant hold back the tears... why is it never about me, always about someone else? does the hurt ever go away? when will i stop hurting inside? like a thousand knives plunging into my heart

shooters

2006-03-05T00:59:00.000+08:00

shooters... ok la... had a shot of vodka, a shot of tequilla and some jim bean... oh n orange mixed with vodka... feeling a little sad... a little upset n low n disappointed... nope.. not drunk far from it... not high even... it was barely at my minimum level of drinking... came home at 3am... well its 3am here... sad... shit... i'm sad... n its not from the drinking... i'm sober n clear headed... gonna wash up n go sleep... feet are killing me... restricted reading...

your special day =P

2006-03-04T15:56:00.000+08:00

dear dear friend... today on your special day... i wanna give u my heart felt wishes and thanks... thank you for being such a great friend to me... though we've not known each other long... and only recently gotten much closer... i wanna say thank you for all you've done for me... listening to all my crap and nonsense... thank you for having such confidence in me and for helping me get out of the rut... thank you... for just being my friend... and for being so nice n sweet to me... it means alot to me... thank you...! *muackz* i wanted to send a present back to ya... but... u're a hard man to buy gifts for... haha... sorry... or maybe i dun noe u as well as i hope... =P anyhows... i'm glad to have gotten to know u better... going out later... =P i wanna see wat the night scene in surfer's paradise is like keke... =P dun worry i'll take care of myself... hugz dear friend... n many wishes for your special day... =P love, magll

rika san

2006-03-03T21:59:00.000+08:00

rika!!! happy birthday!!! hey... may all your dreams n wishes come true... take care girl... wish i could be there to spend the day with ya... take care ya... dear rika san... take care and come quick...!!! keke love, magll

rage against the dying of the light

2006-03-03T21:21:00.000+08:00

"Do Not Go Gentle into That Good Night" by Dylan Thomas Do not go gentle into that good night, Old age should burn and rave at close of day; Rage, rage against the dying of the light. Though wise men at their end know dark is right, Because their words had forked no lightning they Do not go gentle into that good night. Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay, Rage, rage against the dying of the light. Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight, And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way, Do not go gentle into that good night. Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay, Rage, rage against the dying of the light. And you, my father, there on the sad height, Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray. Do not go gentle into that good night. Rage, rage against the dying of the light. and i miss you... like the dessert miss the rain... and i miss you... take care...

walking in the rain led me to Sing

2006-03-03T10:42:00.000+08:00

haha!!! its raining again today... not tt i dun enjoy it... i do... just tt i dun like the idea of my notes and papers being wet and all... so anyway i went walking in the rain... =P i was smiling all the way home... people must have thought me mad...=P i loved the feeling of the rain drops falling onto my face, and the cool breeze... yea... the clouds seem gloomy and the sky is a light bluish grey... but i love it... as long as its not the pouring thunderstorm kind of rain... =P cos over here... even the tv will be affected and there aint no other entertainment... haha oh well... so i walked home in the rain ... but before going home i made a detour into video ezy cos the rain was getting a little heavier, my heaven near home... keke... oh my... so many movies i want to watch... and some old movies from my childhood... like the babysitter's club... oh man... so so happy... n the best thing is... i found SING!!!!! haha n not a rental... the lady there sold it to me for AUD$1 man!!! do u noe how cheap is tt!!! for a vhs tape... there aint no vcd or dvd for this 1989 movie... so dun complain.. i hope its an ok condition... at least enuff for me to convert it to vcd in singapore... =P it'll cost to covert it to vcd... but hey... i saved on the vhs tape itself... =P keke... so happy anyway today's a much better day... hehe... maybe cos of my little man... =P i dun tok to ya one day n i feel cranky n homesick... =P keke... oh well... plus i toked to my galfren too... so tt made me feel better... oh n sharlene... though i'm really sorry i had to cut the conversation short... its still strange to tok to my mum via phone abt mundane everyday stuff... i still prefer writing to her an email rather than tok to her... haha eating green bean soup now... char made for lunch... =P reminds me of someone.... n the 2 time archery chalet... maybe we can make green bean soup a archery chalet tradition... keke... =P today's love, sex n truth tutorial was the most fun of all the tutorials and lectures i've had this first week... the lecturer for my tutorial class is really charming, funny n witty... N he has a really soothing voice and manner of speech... haha no i'm not crushing on my lecturer... just my impression of him... he behaves a little gay-ly... but stated in his 1st lecture as a guy who is thought to be gay but is not... i guess the non gay word would be he's very gentlemanly in his actions and manner of carrying himself... interesting... on my part i noticed tt i have not yet encounter another singaporean student in Bachelor of Communication or in any of my classes or tutorials as yet... sighz... oh well... it is rare to be able to have a fellow asian in the same class much less one who is also from singapore... mostly from china, taiwan or resident asians... oh well... i'm feeling sleepy again... sighz... rach says tt she felt sleepy in the day time alot too when she was studying in perth... so i guess its not just me then... phew... i thought i was becoming a piggy... =P =P anyway me gonna do some reading for next week's tutorial.. so i can party at surfer's paradise tml... keke take care everyone back home... esp you... muacks... hugz... keke =P i'm smiling in the rain... humming to myself... what a lovely rainy day it is today... one day i'll find my prince... who'll cuddle with me... in front of the fireplace... on such a lovely rainy day like this...

yipee... bring out the trumpets n celebrate!! =)

2006-03-02T19:43:00.000+08:00

congratulations!!! congrats gals n guys... sueling... not bad wat ur grades... haha glad to hear tt u all did well... or ok in ur standards i guess... =P kay hian kay hwee n hong too... happy for u all... oh n francis... n of course bing... =P sorry i aint there to wish u personally... so, sueling... does tt mean u can come visit me now... keke u noe something... my asshole of a landlord unplugs our internet connection as and when he feels we have been using too much internet... fucker right... argh!!!! i'm frigging pissed with him right now... ahhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!! dear friend... take care... dreams come true only after lots of hard work n lots of perseverance... i believe tt your dream is attainable... because you can n will make it happen... if you just continue to believe in yourself... i do... i belive in you... we all do... love, magll

crying...

2006-03-02T15:36:00.000+08:00

i miss everything... him... her... you... home... ah pak... plus i'm pms-ing n highly emotional...

love sex truth

2006-02-28T21:03:00.000+08:00

i got into love, sex and truth!!!! yeha!!!! =P philosophy, pyschology, noir and writing here i come... kekeke =P happy happy happy... now i can drop rock art... yeha!!! =P argh.... my internet connection is unstable again!?!?!?!? got problems with skype n msn!!!! its so irritating... n the griffith website too... luckily i enrolled into love sex and truth before this shite happened... brian!?!?!?!?!?!? argh!?!!?!?!?! fix the damn internet!!!!!!

diarrhoea-ing

2006-02-28T20:44:00.000+08:00

diarrhoea!!!!! in such pain... oh shit... need the bathroom again... shit!!!!!!!!!!!! shit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! literally

movie date: date movie

2006-02-28T15:14:00.000+08:00

omg!!!! little man... rock art is so not what i expected it to be... sob sob... the lecturer talks in one tone throughout the lecture n tutorial!!! n he talks to the screen which by the way is big but the words in the presentation is super small... -__- i had to drink a large cuppa coffee to keep awake in the class... gosh... sighz... now frantically looking for another class i'd rather take... the other classes are swell... writing writing n more writing... =P hoping n wish with all my might tt they give me the love, sex and truth class... so i can drop rock art... its not just the lecturer... but mainly the interest in the topic... got a movie date in a while... thus blogging quickly before i so rummage the griffith website for another class as my fourth class this sem... n guess wat the movie is called... date movie... haha... ya ya ya its a spoof of romantic comedies that i love so much.. but haha wat the hell... i was asked out n i'm curious as to what australian cinemas are like... n how is watching a movie here like... just for the experience of it... plus i'm told tt movies on tuesdays are relatively much cheaper than on other days... haha like gelare back home... =P anyway... gonna try finding another subject... before i cant change my subjects... till next time... =P rock art aint rock art man... but its not tt i imagined the content different... more like i discovered i have no real interest in the darn thing...! help!!!!

australian mission: all will be revealed, tomorrow

2006-02-26T14:35:00.000+08:00

good or bad... tomorrow all will be revealed... yesterday spent a whole day out... till night... =P char n i went to surfer's paradise again... we did wat the aussies did... haha lie on the nice beach n bake under the sun... keke... my fav photos is this one... will add a new shutterfly link at the side later... go check it out ya... =P yesterday... waited really long for the bus... but i kinda enjoyed the wait... observed my surroundings n the people while waiting... but the internet connection was down at home... so irritating... -___- oh well... actually got alot of stuff i wanted to blog... but now no more flow n all le... so will blog again another time who knows what's in store for me

greatest joy to me is the act of giving

2006-02-25T07:21:00.000+08:00

i love giving gifts... especially now... when i'm miles and miles away... to still be able to light up someone's day... it makes me really happy to see other people happy... someone once told me that i shouldn't be happy only when i bring joy to others... but find joy on my own as well... but i think the greatest joy and happiness and sense of worth comes to me when i am able to extend a helping hand... when i am able to help someone i care for... when i can stand by people i care for in their time of great need even if all i can do is to be still n listen... when i can see the sincere n truthful smile on their faces or can sense their true joy... the act of giving. refering to the section on gifts in the "magll rule book"... (=P) i'm sure u've all heard the phrase "it's the thought that counts" well.. i agree... but at the same time... i like to give ppl gifts tt i know they'd like... as a fren if they like what i give.. like really like/love wat i give them... it comforts me to know that i know him/her well enough to get him/her something she really likes... or tt i listen n look out n notice enough to know and get him/her something he's/she's been looking out for... doing so shows that you HAVE indeed put some thought into the gift... =P but i guess i'm just demanding... so if u havent yet gotten a gift from me from down under... its not tt i've forgotten u... just tt i'm trying to look for something u'd like n is within my gift buying budget in australia... after all australia currency is stronger... at 1 is to 1.23/1.24 there abouts... =P well... still gathering my 'to send' addresses sheesh... a bit late to do tt but oh well... keke... getting to it... its not the size or cost of the gift... its knowing what the person likes and surprising that person with an unexpected gift unexpected gift, unexpected time -Sean Connery's William Forrester (Finding Forrester) i miss kitchen... i miss my vcds... i miss watching you all shoot... i miss having supper with you all... i miss chom chom... i miss my maid wonderful home cooked food (ps: i'm eating dinner home more often now when i get back home at the end of the year) i miss my jie mei men n our bitching sessions... i miss driving my dad's matrix (though i hate the fact tt its so common n its a not exactly good car) i miss mos burger... i miss...... damn... tts a long long list of misses... =|

pitter patter rain

2006-02-24T22:36:00.000+08:00

i love the rain... its raining here now... n i love the smell of the rain... =P smell the rain =P love the rain...

domesticated magll

2006-02-22T21:14:00.000+08:00

i'm freaking tired... but i look at the clothes i placed in washing soap and i know i must wash them and squeeze them as dry as i can n hang them up to drip dry before drying them tomorrow before i go to school... what's happening to me? we bought groceries today... i cooked today... i'm dead tired from the day's events but i know i need to do the accounts and to settle the bill between me n char so that i have cash to use tomorrow... in case i need to spend any money tomorrow... watched a really funny movie called eurotrip with char after dinner... just me n her slacking in front of the tv after our meal... the movie had a very interesting style... sighz need to research on how to cook meat also.. sighz... later i guess... feeling tired... feeling a little put out... feeling a little sianz... dun really noe why... just pretty tired i guess... want... wish... for some... tlc i guess... oh well just feeling tired i guess... ok gonna go drip dry my clothes then split the groceries bill... then go khoon... damn tired... tired... wish someone was here to pamper me, take care of me, to lift me up

absense makes the heart grow fond

2006-02-22T20:06:00.000+08:00

absense makes the heart grow fond... it really does... teared a little... never expected to miss you... i think this has brought me closer to you... strange... but maybe going away to australia has more good than bad... not just for moving on... and getting a degree and furthering my studies... but it has made me appreciate you... made me appreciate them... made me more aware of things around me... made me try things i take for granted at home... i really hope i come back, a better person... i will keep on trying... for things worth trying and fighting for... miss the familiarity miss you

LT blogging @ 0858: "don't ask, discover!"

2006-02-22T16:12:00.000+08:00

i liked the solitude, walking on my own to school, feeling lighter n lighter as my steps took me on my journey i was waiting for the intro talk to start so i took out my test pad and started writing... here's it... hah! char i wasn't late keke... brisk walked to school... damn hot right now... sweating like a pig... haha... everytime i go into an LT i'm reminded of the cj days and sandra... haha... i wrote the most letters to sandy... during maths lecture and geography lecture in cj... actually.. come to think of it... sandy was the only person i wrote to alot... ever... haha ok... mingling time... the guy beside me was kind enough to help me pick up my pen it dropped... make frens right little man... =P okey dokey... be back... =P ===== okay... not much of a conversationalist... but haha... neither am i i guess... i have a theory... maybe 'ang moh' guys and gals seem good looking cos they're so different from us... so we think they're good looking... be back talk starting... ===== i'm at the library now... waiting for the library tour to start... i'm an hour early... haha din really noe wat to do with myself too anyway with the hour... pickd up a book on the great speeches in history... interesting... [content below from is william safire's 'lend me your ears - great speeches in history] " ...let us not wallow in the valley of dispair... " - martin luther jr " ...for the opposite of love, i have learned, is not hate, but indifference..." - elie wisel " ...tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all... " - tennyson " ...it is not the critic who counts, not the one who points out how the strong man stumbled or how the doer of deeds might have done them better. the credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred with sweat and dust and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions, and spends himself in a worthy cause; and who, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat... " - theodore rossevelt (similar to) " ...it is not hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed... " - theodore rossevelt i read another part... abt teachers n students... really like it alot... its a convocation by professor jacob neusner... (haha maybe cos i'm starting sch soon and it really affected me..) [warning: its rather long but i typed here what hit me most only... so shorten alot le... sorry] " ..."don't ask, discover!" the more we tell you, the less you learn. the more you learn, the more we teach. and learning takes place, in a country as practical and as rich in innovation as this country, when you find out for yourself. professors are there to guide, to help, to goad, to irritate, to stimulate. students are there to explore, to inquire, to ask questions, to experiment, to negotiate knowledge. the ideal teachers for our students therefore are people like socrates, jesus, and hillel, and what you have to ask of your professors here at elizabethtown is that they measure themselves by the model of socrates, jesus, and hillel... great teachers don't teach. they help students learn. students teach themselves... the great teacher makes a few simple points. the powerful teacher leaves one or two fundamental truths. and the memorable teacher makes the point not by telling but by helping the students discover on their own. learning takes places through discovery, not when you're told something but when you figure it out for yourself. all a really fine teacher does is make suggestions, point out problems, above all, ask questions, and more questions, and more questions... you owe your teachers that moment of trepidation: make them afraid they'll run out of things to tell you. they won't, of course, but you'll make them work and give them life. the challenge is not in disagreeing or agreeing but in understanding: uncovering the logic and accepting its dictates. that you owe your teachers. your imagination is our richest national resource; an open and active mind, our most precious intangible treasure. that's what we try to do at our universities and colleges in this country: teach people to teach themselves, which is what life is all about - during the coming year, and during all the years of your lives and mine." this line "don't ask, discover!" reminded me of someone... anyway... i'm gonna pour though tt book right now... =P look out... i might have more to quote... =) trying... i keep on trying... and always failing... mayhaps i need to learn when to stop and where to perservere

independant my ass... =(

2006-02-22T06:28:00.000+08:00

woke up it was pouring... n i have to walk to school today... then the old shit came back when i switched on my computer and became my over sensitive self again... crap... the worse thing is... i burnt the freaking frying pan!?!?! *sob sob sob sobbing sobbing sobbing* no i'm not actually crying but i'm screaming n crying inside... now the apartment is all smoky cos of the burnt pan... -__- and the bread soaked in eggs n milk (mixed properly of course i'm not tt duh) isn't even cooked properly... guess wat... chris waltzed out n informed me that the problem was that i turned the fire too high... *sobs* ahhh.... i wanna cry... gonna go sch now... feeling quite low n demoralised... sorry roomies... i'll pay for the pan if it comes to that when we return the keys n the apartment... -__- man... =( off to school... =O( cook? cook my arse... sobs.... ps: the below was taken and posted after i came back from school and spent 30 mins scrubbing hard with gif n after half a day of soaking in dishwasher soap solution still got more to scrub lor... -__-

i cooked!! without blowing up the apartment =P

2006-02-21T20:00:00.000+08:00

haha i managed to cook the cabbage i love to eat tt my maid always cooks at home... today for lunch... and u noe wats the best part... its tastes almost the same!?!?!!? haha it really is quite easy to make tt dish... keke... ooo... n i think i blogged abt it already... but the ken style fish... haha i wanna post a picture... keke... with prawn omelette... my mum made... keke... =P yummy... i can cook now!?!?! the new monique: independant magll the new monqiue: magll can cook... so can you...! =P

the rain down under

2006-02-21T19:40:00.000+08:00

its raining down under... n it smells good... funny how i can smell the rain so distinctively here but not in singapore... hmm.... maybe i learnt to be more observant and aware of my surroundings compared to before? and the stars... tonight... were so bright and clear... before it rained tt is... beautiful... sighz... its getting cooler n cooler.. can feel the weather changing and the heat isn't as unbearable as before when i first came... but i'm still sick.. bad cough... but controllable... tml's my orientation... heard from char its a total bore... sighz... oh well... anyway... just wanted to blog abt the rain... i've missed u my little man... keke... =P loved the sharing just... oh man wish i could watch u all shoot again... sighz the rain, pitter patter splash... smells great... like the dawn of a new day... i love the smell of the rain... it brings me hope... hope for the future... a future that is worth living... the rain down under sure is different.. keke =P

magll: the aussie chapter

2006-02-21T06:00:00.000+08:00

lizzy... while in the bathroom... alone... i just realised... what i planned for sort of came true... remember we said, u me n ja would by the age of 25 move out and stay together in an apartment n our own... the are big differences though... for one... u me n ja aren't the ones sharing an apartment... also... i'm in australia not singapore... then of course there's the fact that i'm not exactly paying my own bills and expenses, my parents are... and the major unforgettable factor that i'm still studying... i got what i wanted... to share an apartment with frens, out on my own at the age of 25... well sort of... in a wierd mood... not bad... not good... just a strange, perhaps new, feeling... maybe its because i'm on unfamiliar grounds... to all those who sent me off at the airport... esp to bing n jingkai who helped me with my many many bags... thank you... *hugz* and to the archers... thank you for making that really huge and sweet gift for me... i have no place to put it.. haha will do some room adjustments today... try to fit it in somewhere... little man... thank u too... for coming when it counts... keke =P really appreciate it... gosh i cry again tt'd be the second time u saw me cry keke... =P n to rika and jo n jas... n jinng hwee n jerome... n pong.. haha thanks for coming... rika... quick come join us....!!! we waiting for you... to jo n jas... happy 21st birthday... so tt i wished u all so late... hope that you all have/had a great 21st birthday thing... keke... rach... glad u came... we just started meeting up more often to catch up... n now i'm gone to australia.. sighz... i never expected to leave singapore... u noe i never liked or considered it then... i'm alone here now... no more mums or aunts to help break the fall for me or char... just the hard, spider infested, carpeted floor... yup... my apartment has not just one spider... but many many baby spiders... crawling out of my room mate's bathroom drain... we screamed n screamed, louder than when on the thrill rides at dream world... of course it doesnt help that the landlord loves to tease us and scare us.. and that the main cause of the fright and screams is as big as our palm... with long slim hairy legs... all 8 of them... well... that episode is over... but we're all a little shaken and wary of drains and dark nooks and crannies... my room mates... char... you all know... and introducing chris into the story of magll: the australian chapter =P chris is my age... but months older than me... she's a citizen of the ROC... Republic of China... and she's here for a year to do her masters degree in business (trade to be exact) she taught us to do dumlings yesterday keke.. n we shared with the next door neighbours for kindly lending us an extra chopping board and the landlord for helping us with the spider incident the night before... when i just arrived in australia... not long after fell sick.. cough cold and body aches... quite sian... quite bad cos the weather was so hot as well... plus i had so many things to do... my subjects to apply for... to enrol in to school of course.. to set up bank accounts... to get used to moving around the town, the school and the suburbs... to try my hand at cooking... which i did... =) i made lunch for my mum and we each cooked a dish... i cooked the one ken did at the chalet but not dory fish cos the supermarket i went to din have dory so i used fresh water basa fillet... -__- oh well... this time i squeezed too much lemon... it was way too sour... and the sea salt is those rock types... not grinded yet and we din have a grinder till a few days back... ya so it wasnt as fantastic as i hoped it'd be.. i'll try some herbs or spices next time i cook it... but stuff aint cheap here... sighz... ya anyway... i was sick n busy.. bad combination... so i'm still sick but at least i'm not sneezing my head off in the hot weather... and not coughing every few minutes... now i only have my subject applications to stress about... i have to complete the max 40CP every semester... in order to graduate on time... and i only have 30CP as of now... ahhhh!!!! shit... they're slow... not giving me my love, sex and truth class!!!! i'm a little worried... sighz... oh well no choice but to wait for the lady to give me tt subject... http://kevan.org/johari?name=magll (help me do thanks) http://kevan.org/nohari?name=magll (n this too... be kind hor =P keke) oh and i've got skype... so ppl if u wanna tok to me... go download it at www.skype.com and look for me... nick's magll_dreams my web cam seems to not be able to work... -__- anyway... waiting for zu to send me the disc then i can use my webcam... sianz... ya... tts if i can catch him -____- when u miss someone... just call them, msg them or email them or snail mail them... nothing beats a surprise mail in the mailbox from someone u love, care for or miss... you don't have to wait for them to find you... you can go find them... (kenny remember to check ur mail box... =P i think u'll like what i got u... not much but haha oh well i on budget study trip here lor) so ppl... miss me? sad tt u cant see me or tok to me? skype me... or snail mail me... 23/8 tonga place, university village, parkwood QLD, gold coast 4214 =P "i guess some things passed will never be the same... so when u miss those times... allow urself a couple of minutes or an hour at most to relive the memories in ur mind n heart... cry about it... laugh about it.. smile about it... watever it takes... then after tt remember tt its in the past n carry on moving into the future by getting a move on in the present..." anyway... take care everyone... i will do what you ask of me... i will do what you expect of me... you asked for it... you'll get it... just don't regret it... =) i know you won't regret it... Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. a return to love - marianne williamson you cant believe in a dream until you can believe in yourself PERSONAL GROWTH IS INEVITABLE What happens to you is not as important as how you react to what happens. Everything you'll experience "good or bad" has value. You experience personal growth on the road to success. All growth means change and change involves risk. You grow because you struggle, learn and overcome your obstacles. Difficulties in life are the things that show you what you are. Trouble is the common denominator of living. It's the great equalizer of life. Only when you are no longer afraid will you begin to live.

i'm scared shitless

2006-02-11T18:18:00.000+08:00

the past few days have gone past so fast... too fast... i was busy getting the remaining stuff i needed... meeting the people who are important in my life and whom i will miss a great deal when i'm in australia... reuben... though i don't think you have my blog address but if you ever chance on it.. thank you... for saying all those nice things about me... and for saying i was one of the few you considered... i really enjoyed our phone conversation... will see ya on skype... haha hopefully you'll have time for me considering cherry... =P will set it up asap... talking to you have always made me more sensible and strong... lizzy... i'll miss ya lots n lots... take care... u can still complain about monster-in-law to me even if i'm miles and miles away... ever heard of msn? email? snail mail? skype? and even phone calls =P keke rach... my turn... haha u come back for good and i'm leaving... nevermind... i'll be back sooner than u think... zu... really wished you could be there later... but i understand... din hug ya tt day... haha though ur gf might not like it... but will really really miss u... will pass pride to jinng hwee to pass to u... u noe for punishment for not sending me off i should not pass it to you actually haha... but i know how much u wanna watch it... =P hugz... shit... i'm on the verge of tears... gerald... i'm damn scared... u noe of what... u noe why... i dunno if i can do what i set out to do... i'm scared things will become worse... i'm scared i'll regret it in the future... i'm scared... plain terrified... i'll miss u lots too... n our jie mei gatherings... rika... must take care of yourself kay... anything go on msn find me... i will listen to ur woes and all... you must promise to take care of urself and be happy kay... little man... do come on msn ya... will miss talking to u... actually will miss seeing u bully the archery ppl in tp... n eugene... haha... kenny... u take care... will chat with ya on msn... life is full of good and bad... u let in the good n the bad comes rolling in too... can't help it... you... yes you... dumbfounded... dun really know how to say... fill in the blanks i guess... i didn't think this would be so hard... i made a choice and i'm gonna follow through with it... i'm so afraid... so scared... because of you...

to my dear dear friends, thank you

2006-02-05T01:39:00.000+08:00

dear rika... i'm sorry... i'm not angry at you... i was angry and fustrated at myself and something else... just a dreadful feeling i felt... and i felt like screaming out loud... so sorry to cause u worry... dear friends... really enjoyed the short but precious supper session we had today... even though we each have our own lives and hectic schedules... its nice to get have these rare but more and more meanful get togethers... thank you... for making time to meet even though its tough arranging something... cos we're all so busy... =P it shows me how much i mean to u n how much we mean to each other and i feel all fuzzy n warm inside... dear jie mei men... yea its not the last day yet... but for gerald today will be the last time i see you in 9 months... goodness knows how we'll change and what will become of each one of us in this long 9 months apart... i hope all goes well for you dear friend... i will miss u lots n lots... on ur weekends, if u have the time go on msn ya... n save up money... must come down to australia visit us... we'll tour some parts of australia together kay... me n char will be waiting for ya'll now tt you've gone home suddenly feel like crying... so much left to talk about, to share and to bitch about... but no time... sorry i didn't send u all home... din have enuff sleep n rest the past few days... plus i'm not feeling well... fallen a little sick... really sorry... i wish... sighz so many wishes... some i'll share with u all some i'll keep deep down inside... though... somehow... you my jie mei men will know even if i don't voice them out... thank you... for putting up with my nonsense for the past 2 years... for standing by me and for being there... you've seen my cry my heart out in times of heartbreak, hurt and pain... you've heard me cuss and swear in times of rage and violent explosions... you've given and taken advice... you've been my sanity and insanity... in the time i'll be in australia i will always remember how we will all band together to support one another when either one of us has problems or issues... its heart warming and very touching... thank you... truly... for being my dear dear friends... my jie mei men... adios gerald... *hugz* char... i know this following week will be really tough for you... i may have less of a burden than you... but i understand a small fraction of how u feel... cos even through my relief and eagerness... i do feel a little the way u do... leaving everything dear to my heart behind for such a long period of time... i guess we gotta keep remembering that home and all tts dear to our hearts will forever be close and vivid in our hearts and in our minds... i'm here for u anytime u need a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on... hope we will get past all n come out of all this stronger... thank you for being there when the pain was the greatest... thank you for being there to make it hilariously funny and enjoyable... thank you for being a great bunch of friends to me... thank you for accepting me for all my crap, nonsense and weakness... from the bottom of my heart... thank you very much jie mei men...

argh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-02-04T04:34:00.000+08:00

i'm seething with anger... then as suddenly as it boils... it fizzles and disappears... then i break down and cry... rika. . . 我不负气!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 为什么????????????????

strong i am not

2006-02-03T05:46:00.000+08:00

yup... i'm still up... havent slept yet... just bought 4 vcds today and watched 2 of them... first watched a few good men... then watched twister... mind's in a whirlwind... i was a little sleepy after talking to rika... but i felt tt i needed to get my mind to stop thinking before i attempted to sleep... so watch vcds... rika... thanks for all the nice things you said about me... it made me cry... i was really touched... but i think deep down inside i dun believe in it... i dun believe how mature or good a person you say i am... everyone says that i'm strong... i'm determined... and that they wish they were strong like me... you're all wrong... i'm weak... it is you rika who is strong... not me... if i were as mature n determined as you say i am... i would have done what you have managed to do... rika... no one sees it unless i let you see it or say it here plain n clear... but it hurts so damn much... i am stubborn... and the result... i have brought this pain n misery upon myself... this is not strength... this is stupidity... dear friend, you say you wish you had a gf like me... haha looks like you're the only one who feels this way... haha do not look to me for answers... do not hold me in esteem... can't you see the truth? that in reality, i am weak... not strong like you all believe me to be... weijun thank you for the song... I drift, I burn, I fly When you sing lullabies I'm helpless, I'm yearning I'm like the putty in your hands I laugh, I dream, I cry When you take me on a roller coaster ride You see me through and through You see just who i am Just take my hand and Save me from this place Heaven knows I'm falling For you, my sweet embrace Heaven Knows Heaven knows I've been waiting for you I had a dream that i was falling from the sky At 90 miles an hour I was bound to crash and die But out of nowhere you came and rescued me There must be some grace in the touch of your face I'm so happy that I've found you I'm no longer afraid Oh cause you Save me from this place Heaven knows i'm falling For you my sweet embrace Heaven knows Heaven knows I've been waiting Before i met you Life was slow-mo So slow-mo I thought i had it figured out But you came and turned my whole world upside down Save me from this place Heaven knows I'm falling For you, my sweet embrace Heaven knows Heaven knows you've come to Save me from this place Heaven knows I'm falling For you, my sweet embrace Heaven Knows Heaven knows I've been waiting for you Waiting for you - corrinne may's save me i am the foolish one strong i am not weak is my nature no worries i'm ok... just wanted to rant n rave in written word... this is hurt... i recognise it... and let it go... later today will be another long day, gonna make it a good day, but a tiring one... no one to nag me to sleep anyway... unlike some lucky people... keke =P so no worries...

the little girl

2006-02-01T01:09:00.000+08:00

this just came out from typing on and on and on. i had no plan for this. no real plot or story in mind. it just came out. haha its a bit long. got carried away. comment if you want to. don't comment if you don't want to. but please don't assume or jump to conclusions. thank you. enjoy the read. keke =P the little girl nervously looked out from behind the heavy red drapes on the stage. searching for a face in the seated crowd. row after row she would looked, eyes quickly scanning the room, heart filled with hope. clutching the drapes, she stood on tip toe and with a heavy heart looked across the last row in the audience. he has once again missed out on a milestone in her life. he was not there. again. he should have been there to calm her fears. she wanted him to be there. she needed him to be there. it was of such great importance to her. she was nervous. she was scared. she was troubled. she was hopeful. and he wasn't there. again. the music began. with a deep sigh of disappointment, she held her head high and began her performance. a dance. a dance she wanted him to see. a dance she wanted to dance for him. but he wasn't there. again. it was soon over. everyone told her what a marvel she was, how graceful she danced and what an amazing performance she put on. but deep down inside, she knew she was not satisfied. she had not done her best. because she felt that her best was only done when he was there to watch her for himself. no one else but him. but he wasn't there. again. amongst words of congratulations and praise, she walked out of the hall feeling all alone. the voices around her faded to the background. the people seemed to do the same, as if they were not even there. all that mattered to her was for him to be there. but, he wasn't there. again. standing among whom she felt were strangers, she felt her failure all the more strongly. felt great hurt and pain. felt great disappointment and a sad, silent 'i knew he wouldn't come' rang loudly in her head and in her heart. and true enough. he wasn't there. again. did he not care? did he not know? how important these little things, to him, were to her? did he not know? that she was waiting for him to come. that she was looking for him in the audience. that all she wanted was the little big things that he could offer, just by turning by. but, he wasn't there. again. not a phone call. not a letter. not an email. not a word. much less an appearance in the flesh. in every way, he just wasn't there. again. 'i could go look for him' thought the little girl. then she remembered. she didn't know where he was. she didn't know who he was with, to ask where she could find him. she was left alone. all alone. because he wasn't there. again. she wanted his attention. she wanted his love. she wanted him to notice her. she wanted him to remember her. she wanted him to try to be a part of her life. she wanted him there. there for her. but he wasn't there. again. all she wanted was to be his little girl. all she wanted was his love. all she wanted was his presence. all she wanted was his approval. all she wanted was to be his special little girl. and he wasn't even there. again. but she knew. she believed. that he was somewhere out there. thinking about her. loving her. caring about her. worrying about her. somewhere. she had her doubts. she had her fears. but she hung on to her faith in him. she trusted him. she trusted the man, who wasn't even there. he wasn't there. again. she pursed her lips and started on her journey home alone. then coming up just behind her stood the man she was looking out for in the audience, looking out toward the crowds from where he stood, searching. he was searching, looking out for his little girl. from the corner of her eye, she caught a glimpse of him. a smile broke out on her face. from where she stood, as she readied to shout his name and run toward him, all at once she saw, a little girl came flying into his wide open arms. they embraced. he laughed and smiled. he kissed her and carried her into a warm and loving embrace. 'i was standing at the back little one. didn't you see?' the man said to her. he was? he wasn't there, was he? he wasn't there for the little girl. again. 'let's go home little one' he said lovingly. her hand in his, he turned around. she was giggling and squirming as he tickled her and playfully wrestled with her. and in the fleeting moment when he looked up from his little one, he saw the little girl. eyes brimming with tears. he saw the pain. he saw the hurt. and he walked on. holding the hand of his little one. he walked on. he walked on as the little girl looked on. it was his little one that he was there for. it was his little one who he cared for. it was his little one that he talked to. it was his little one that he loved. it was his little one that he worried about. not the little girl who waited all night. who waited all day. who waited all those years. he was there. yet he wasn't there. he wasn't there for the little girl. again. watching him walk away was like a knife plunged into her heart. his hand on it's handle, driving it home, twisting it further in. the tears roll down each side of her face, and she stood there for what seemed like eternity. until she couldn't see him no more. he wasn't there. but for the little girl, she knew. she believed. she trusted. she waited. and she will wait for this man. this man who has his own little one. because she had no one else. no other hope. she believed. she trusted. she loved. he wasn't there for the little girl. again. but maybe. maybe some day. he will be there. are you this little girl? who is this little girl? how many are this little girl? feeling... thinking... magll... not monique... do you know who is who and which is which? =) sighz... tired... haha think most people won't read through it properly or at all... too long. sorry i tend to be a long winded writer. but a story that i felt needed to come out. so just for my amusement i guess... good night.

messed up entry

2006-01-31T13:25:00.000+08:00

i find myself giving up... i feel myself giving up... realising how futile... what i've been fighting for is... stuck for words... confounded... suddenly i wish i had the strength, the determination, the will and the ability to devour and take in books like never before... to soak up the written word and understand and take it all in... still trying to finish up the dvd special features for the lord of the rings... alot of thoughts and feelings i cannot seem to put down here properly... maybe because i dare not... i've learnt to be more aware of what i say or do or write... i say less because i think before i speak... realising before i actually say the words out loud, if it's gonna be a stupid comment or something that will have a negative effect or consequence... i try my best to think before i speak... maybe rach's brother might not think me ditsy anymore... =P i hope... or maybe with some people i let my guard down and revert to the old me... when i am around people with lesser tendency to judge me harshly or at all... dislike or like... not something i can control... i will not pretend that it matters not to me what people think of me... it does... but so what... one cannot please everyone in the world... i cannot please everyone around me... i cannot prevent what others think of me or what and who others think i am... i realise... no one understands who i am inside... and maybe those who feel they know me more in actual fact don't know me at all... alone is how i feel right now... so so alone... i take it all in this alone-ness... this is alone... and i'm ok with it... yes... though i yearn for someone to break through to my side and understand me... all hope is lost and i realise... maybe those whom i thought knew me best know me worst... tis sad... sighz... maybe... just maybe... there is hope yet... *shurgs my shoulder* who knows what lies ahead for me or for you or for everyone i know... life is such a strange and perilous journey... it is severed... to write well one needs to write what one knows me... i write what i feel and think... maybe i don't write well... but this is me...

as good as it gets / sadako's date with the devil

2006-01-29T21:50:00.000+08:00

maybe this is as good as it gets... but what if what you get is not enough for you... then you are left unsatisfied... but nothing can be done about it... so you walk on by and see what comes along... one cannot do anything about the stuff that's thrown at you in life... so accept that its as good as it gets... relatives gone back le... the house is quiet again... and kitchen came back just when they were leaving to eat his dinner... smart cat lor... =P got an ice cream date with the devil on wed... venezia for the devil and sadako on wednesday... keke... my schedule's gonna be packed soon i think... funny... not even curious how much i'm getting from this year's ang bao collection... seems unimportant now... but one thing's for sure... this year lunar new year sure feels different from the previous years... maybe its cos i'm going australia soon... or maybe its simply because i'm different once again... as good as it gets? is that considered settling? but some things i'll never settle for less... resigned to my fate... resigned to the present state... resigned...

2006: the year that's half full not half empty

2006-01-29T18:36:00.000+08:00

happy chinese new year to one and all!!! =P i think my spirits always lift when i visit my mum's side of the family especially during chinese new year. no, not beacuse of the ang baos but beacuse we actually all sincerely enjoy the company and the get together sessions. there is no facade, only true delight and meeting family and sharing news of each other's lives. my mum's side of the family always give me a warm feeling of love, care and joy. there's always real laughter and fun as a family. this year's going to be a good one. i feel it. because i will make it so. thru good and bad. i'm gonna try to keep looking at the glass half full, not half empty. =P keke i hope i can. check back to find out... *drum rolls* my uncle from the states came back to celebrate new year with us. he gave me a bear hug. haha. so did my grand aunt. strange to get hugs from them cos my relatives and even family members arent really the hug and show type. but though strange, more strange even is how it actually feels... alright... =P everyone seems to be talking about australia and my going there. well as the start off topic only though thank goodness. after that its everything under the sun. this year gotta evade the 'where's your bf' and other bf related questions though. haha maybe cos my, as usual, very vocal grand aunt is gaining a future son-in-law that doesn't quite fit her idea of good enough for her daughter so there's talk about me finding the right guy and talk of what types i should find for myself and marriage. for the first time in 24 years i'm actually caught in bf questions haha. which is why i'm up in my room hiding while the topic is still hot. =P kitchen is hiding too. keke. under the car. its way too noisy for him. he disappeared last night too when my dad's side came for reunion dinner. though, i think for kitchen its more because of the crowd and the young one's insistant need to touch him and disturb his sleep. eh kenny my friend recorded the victoria secrets show wanna watch? keke my jie mei men wll be coming over to watch before supper one of the weekends before i leave =P or have you got it recorded too? keke. talking about lingerie, i have a new love for piere cardin lingerie. i love their designs. haha buy! buy!! BUY!!! got a really nice snow flake like prints with a little light blue. really adorable. well not like anyone will be able to see the design but it makes me happy when i see it in my cupboard. and comfortable too. =P oh and i finally got my own black bra!!!!! haha and red ones too!!! satan's panties!!! hahaha =P miss congeniality, miss rhode island said tt... hahaha yeap. i take morrie's advice. give myself a moment in the morning or whenever i feel i need to. to cry or vent or mull or regret or whatever the emotion i need to experience. let myself feel the emotion for an allotted moment. and after the moment has passed. let it go and then carry on with life and whatever comes my way. =P many things. i wish were different or would go my way. the way i wish it would turn out to be. like in my dreams. =) but i understand that i should dream on, but not expect all my dreams to be fullfilled. some dreams will forever remain up in the sky with the stars and the moon and the planets =OP keke ok dinner time. to my dear friend(s) may your dreams come true dear friend(s). but even if they don't, bear in mind billy joel's vienna. may the coming fire dog year be a year filled with good things. and should there be any bad, may you be able to weather the bad and come out stronger and wiser. even if i am in the land down under. i will always be thinking about you, you and you. =P wondering if you are alright and wishing i could wish your worries away. even if i cannot be there in person, know that you have a friend who loves you and cares alot for you. i am your forever willing listener, dear friend(s). muacks =) past, present future are all connected together its up to us to decide what to do with the time given to us all i, 1982 water dog decide to smile, love and look forward to good & bad for the year 2006; year of the fire dog

borrowed words

2006-01-27T14:37:00.000+08:00

how do you pick up the threads of an old life? how do you go on? when in your heart you begin to understand there is no going back there are some things that time cannot mend some hurts that go too deep that have taken hold watched all 3 lord of the rings extended version. its beautiful, i salute tolkien for his work of art. well peter jackson too. oh and the script writer or screen writer. lots to do before i go to the land down under. i've been slacking. haven't even unpacked my bags from the land of a thousand smiles. days will be packed during chinese new year. time flies so fast. it was but 2 chinese new years ago. so much has changed in 2 years. but, there is no going back isn't it frodo. some things, time cannot mend. some hurts go too deep and have taken hold, never to mend. well no time for dallying. time to meet old friends before there is no time at all. off i go to meet rach. tataz. remember... always remember the truth... all we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us

i'm dying; we all are

2006-01-26T19:25:00.000+08:00

wind in my hair breeze in my face sitting alone on the swing music in my ears thinking feeling in a wierd mood again thailand trip came and passed... not really in the mood to share about it or blog about it right now... been like this since i set foot on the plane back to singapore... went to the playground and sat there for a while... taking in everything... observing... feeling... thinking... looking... hurt my thumb again... tried to bite off the excess skin and overdid it... so now the wound is open again... back to plasters once again... oh well... serves me right i guess... question... would you accept someone who loves you alot but you do not love in return? answer... no, i wouldn't... i can't... understand... even a fool can see... "Slow down you crazy child You're so ambitious for a juvenile But then if you're so smart tell me why Are you still so afraid? Where's the fire, what's the hurry about? You better cool it off before you burn it out You got so much to do and only So many hours in a day But you know that when the truth is told That you can get what you want Or you can just get old You're gonna kick off before you even get halfway through When will you realize...Vienna waits for you Slow down you're doing fine You can't be everything you want to be Before your time Although it's so romantic on the borderline tonight (tonight) Too bad but it's the life you lead You're so ahead of yourself That you forgot what you need Though you can see when you're wrong You know you can't always see when you're right(you're right) You got your passion you got your pride But don't you know that only fools are satisfied? Dream on but don't imagine they'll all come true When will you realize Vienna waits for you Slow down you crazy child Take the phone off the hook and disappear for a while It's alright you can afford to lose a day or two When will you realize... Vienna waits for you. But you know that when the truth is told That you can get what you want Or you can just get old You're gonna kick off before you even get halfway through Why don't you realize...Vienna waits for you When will you realize...Vienna waits for you" -billy joel's vienna

the answer IS simple

2006-01-19T09:51:00.000+08:00

never... NEVER... NEVER... while in bed... i was thinking again... heard some grave news from a dear friend... and the topic of life and death occured online... just before i went to bed... here's what i was bed blogging... life is what you make of it... life is what you make it out to be... life and death can never escape each other, its tied destiny ensures that. it's the journey that determines the worthiness and fruitfulness of that destiny... your destiny... my destiny... our destiny... dear moozy, take care... i'm sorry i cant be here for you the next few days... remember to take care of yourself and be strong... life is worth living... because even if you feel it isnt worth living... there are people around you, who will show you life IS worth living, just by them being in your life... hugz... see ya after the 24th...

eating humble pie

2006-01-18T23:44:00.000+08:00

humbled... i have only myself to blame that things are as it is now... that i were more mature and less childish... seeing it from another person's point of view makes a whole lot of difference... its a different kind of sadness... still inner sadness... but tis different... tis deeper... it aches... to know that the blame is yours makes it all the more disappointing and saddening... i mourn... but naught can be done... wishing... but no amount of wishing will turn back time and change things... no... things have changed... and will not change back... no matter how hard, how long or how much i wish it would... it is, as it is... suddenly everything goes through a *paradigm shift... and i live out the consequences of my folly... *Paradigm Shift : When anomalies or inconsistencies arise within a given paradigm and present problems that we are unable to solve within a given paradigm, our view of reality must change, as must the way we perceive, think, and value the world. We must take on new assumptions and expectations that will transform our theories, traditions, rules, and standards of practice. We must create a new paradigm in which we are able to solve the insolvable problems of the old paradigm. **quantum physics **The word quantum refers to discreetness. Quantum physics is necessary to explain properties of solids, atoms, nuclei and light. Aside from providing the basis for our understanding of natural phenomenon, quantum principles represent a fundamental change in how humans view nature. To many philosophers the probabilistic interpretation of quantum mechanics is very uncomfortable to accept, as it affects all aspects of determinism. The development of quantum physics in this century represents the greatest success of both mankind's science and mankind's philosophy.

...

2006-01-18T09:46:00.000+08:00

i get this shiver-inducing, deep seeded fear everytime... before i even get there... i always go but still, everytime as i attempt to do so... i get shivers and i feel the fear creeping into me... fearing what i will see... yet i still go... strange isn't it? mankind... to go even when there is great fear... just because one cannot let it go without knowing... to know is one's downfall? or is it better to shrug and say i dunno and move along? hmm... so many things to do... not much time left... gotta get ready to go thailand... tomorrow... still haven't packed my stuff... sighz... little man... wish you were going man... ...

the mexican: enough is enough

2006-01-17T21:37:00.000+08:00

watched the movie the mexican... finally... had the vcd for eons now... but just took it out to watch it... nice... alot of things i wish i could take down and place it here... but... just these for now... "the past doesn't matter, its the future that counts" "i have to ask you a question and its an important one so i want you to think about the answer before you give it to me ok when two people love each other, really love each other but they just can't get it together when do you get to the point where enough is enough? . . . . when two people love each other, totally truthfully all the way love each other the answer to that question is simple especially in your case when do you get to the point where enough is enough? never never... i just hope jerry's not stupid" never...? wish i were better company and could cheer you up... take care... girl... hope you're ok... can't help but wonder if its me you're angry with... sighz... take care too ya... hope things will be better for you in time...

magll vibes

2006-01-17T12:10:00.000+08:00

keke... my magll vibes are in hyperdrive and is over active at the moment... trying to curb it at the moment... talking and writing is a distraction... so i don't do stupid things and say stupid things... people's opinions of me matter alot... if people have a bad thought or opinion of me... i get greatly affected... i get really really upset... is this a bad thing? haha... that people's opinions of me matter so much? hmm... pondering... i just realised the difference between a haversack and a backpack... =P looked it up in wikipedia cos i was wondering which term is correct... hazer in scotland and north england means oats and haversack is the bag in which oats was placed in to feed the horses... now haversack means more widely as a bag for which people place their belongings for the day... =P and backpack is a cloth sack that is carry over the shoulders with straps on each side... the world doesn't revolve around me... "you don't always get the dreamhouse, but you get awfully close"

self worth... i've degenerated!?!?!

2006-01-17T00:25:00.000+08:00

ain't worth much... ain't important... shot from the time CC was open till about 5 plus... with some breaks in between of course... but still... it was the longest so far... quite tired out... aching... today at cc... mind was wandering during one of my breaks... after deliberating a long while as to who to call... called fabian to chit chat... he was the free-est i knew of to call.. haha... ok la... he didn't pull a "darling... do you miss me?" so it was ok... i just talked n talked non stop... blabbering... he says i'm still immature... haha guess i am then... i've degenerated!?!?! darn it... used to be more sensible and all... i think... then michael m cheng called... haha funny... to hear from him after so long... he got wind of the news that i was going australia to study... so he called to say hi n talk a bit... haha quite funny... getting more and more used to it... ignoring all else... focusing on the tasks at hand... telling myself over and over again to remind myself... i've got a goal to work towards... numbing sadness... yeap... its that inner sadness all right... going with the flow... well... trying at least... doesn't matter... shouldn't matter... shouldn't matter... doesn't matter... miss the craddling, miss the warm embrace, miss the light feathery kisses no more ... its the end of it all ...

[title] no witty titles today... sorry

2006-01-14T10:12:00.000+08:00

and to think i once wanted to be a doctor... i couldn't even stand to watch our family doctor clean and dress my grandfather's wound... it was all red and looked quite bad to be honest... i wanted to puke... could feel it rising... tearing right now... feeling fustrated... feeling misunderstood... feeling used... feeling trapped... feeling helpless... i just want all this to end... i'm tired of crying... i'm tired of hurting... i'm tired of living... i'm tired of everything... who sees me...? who really sees me...? of no importance...

lost n loss

2006-01-14T01:53:00.000+08:00

an inner sadness and emptiness engulfs me... one that cannot be filled... feeling lost... feeling loss... feeling... kids these days... sighz... but i myself am still a kid... frolicking in all these frivilous unimportant stuff like they are... my brother just asked me for advice... it feels good be able to help him with such stuff... not his own problems but... well... if it can help his friend then why not... just reminds me of how old i am... yet how immature i am as well... who can see the beauty within me? if i cant, who can? inner sadness hurts... the cause... never revealed...

lost flavour

2006-01-13T12:32:00.000+08:00

feeling a little down... have you ever woken up in the morning... feeling... just feeling... you do not have a desire to go out or to do something... and anything and everything seems uninteresting and a chore... where food is placed before you, and yet, you do not have any appetite or urge to consume the food no matter how delicious it seems to promise to be... food has lost its flavour... you eat because you know you need to in order to survive... to stop the stomach from growling and grumbling... on the verge of tears... yet... none appears... for the urge is there but not great enough to act upon...

scorpio to scorpio

2006-01-12T13:12:00.000+08:00

dear littleball... its good to talk to u again after so long... its good to know you're better now... and a much stronger and happier girl now... =P glad that you're ok... i believe that one cannot love 2 people at the same time... you may love one and like the other very much... but love both... nah... =) its tough enough to love one person... how can one love 2 at a time... as in truly love 2 ppl at the same time... u made a choice... a choice to move on with ur life... of course in ur heart... he is the boy u still and always will love... we never stop loving the people we love dear... and when relationships end... they never really do end... cos they go on in our hearts... we still love them deep down inside... we put them in a special place in our hearts and move on... now the hurts are still too raw and too new... to try again with him would mean taking a big risk... a risk that it might all fall flat in disappointment again... can u take tt risk? if u can then i stand by your decision... and support you... u have a possible future with the other... if u choose to try with the other it might work out it might not... but at least you tried... if you choose to give up with the other... then you will never know if this could be it... a new true love... i always believe... the right man must appear at the right time in your lifetime and in the right situation... to truly be the one go on with ur life, let him lead his... n who knows the 2 seperate paths u both take might one day merge as one again... you may not be able to remain friends right now... but likewise... when the hurt is gone... and past mistakes forgiven and truly forgotten... and fate gives both of u a push in the right direction... your paths might cross again... and things may work out... be it as friends or as lovers... we can never understand y we love who we love... we just do... but remember... love is just love... relationships isnt all about love only... relationships start with love... but to continue on... takes courage, determination, effort, communication, compromise and a whole lot of other things take care girl... love monique

riddle solved - hahahahahaha hahahahahaha

2006-01-12T11:50:00.000+08:00

hahahahahaha hahahahahaha hahahahahaha hahahahahaha hahahahahaha hahahahahaha hahahahahaha hahahahahaha hahahahahaha hahahahahaha hahahahahaha hahahahahaha hahahahahaha hahahahahaha hahahahahaha hahahahahaha hahahahahaha hahahahahaha hahahahahaha hahahahahaha hahahahahaha hahahahahaha hahahahahaha hahahahahaha hahahahahaha hahahahahaha hahahahahaha hahahahahaha hahahahahaha hahahahahaha hahahahahaha hahahahahaha hahahahahaha hahahahahaha hahahahahaha hahahahahaha hahahahahaha hahahahahaha hahahahahaha hahahahahaha hahahahahaha hahahahahaha hahahahahaha hahahahahaha hahahahahaha hahahahahaha hahahahahaha hahahahahaha hahahahahaha hahahahahaha hahahahahaha hahahahahaha hahahahahaha hahahahahaha hahahahahaha hahahahahaha its a strange feeling i feel... 31 days to good bye

one month left

2006-01-11T11:24:00.000+08:00

today marks exactly one month before i go to the land down under... time flies so fast... haha ok ok... maybe not fast enough... sooner than you know it... i'll be at changi airport terminal 2 waiting to go to sunny gold coast for about 9 months before i return... excited... happy... relieved... a touch of sadness... mixed feelings... though less so than before... now... i just can't wait to go there... =P i enjoyed the company girlfriends... keke... our aussie plans must be put into action kay... see ya in australia end of the year ya... =P leaving on a jet plane... soon people... soon...

my oh my...

2006-01-10T13:08:00.000+08:00

i lacked maturity all along... i'm the immature one... and here i am dishing out advice and solutions as if i knew it all... girls... don't listen to me... the one with the truck-load full of crap could very well be me... dear girl... really proud of you... its your time... enjoy it... you've blossomed... far from the maddening chit you were before... keke... love is about loving the imperfect person perfectly I am perfect. He is imperfect. But I accept. <-- not true, no one is perfect... -__- Imperfectly perfect (Love; everything and nothing) A young woman has to choose between 2 men; one whom she loves with all her heart but is imperfect and one who loves her with all his heart and understands her perfectly. Loving the imperfect person perfectly or choosing the perfect person. That is the choice she needs to make. haha life and all its intricacies... darn it... its raining heavily at range there again... another day put off... argh... unfit to be an archer... *pouts*

clockwork

2006-01-10T10:28:00.000+08:00

clockwork ticking... tick... tick... tick... tick... the narnia lullaby plays in the background... luring one into the realm of imagination and enters the soul... the end? the end... a dull ache

a great many thanks

2006-01-10T01:34:00.000+08:00

dear charlotte, thank you... just by the fact that you dropped everything just to watch me and sit beside me was help enough... more than you know... thank you for understanding what i needed... you've not seen the worse... =P hopefully you've seen the last... i'm sorry to scare you that day... =) thank you... to the rest... thank you also... for listening... for caring... for reminding... for chiding... for everything...

from the heart

2006-01-07T01:28:00.000+08:00

to you... yes you ya maybe it just is not to be... you're right... i don't know you at all... don't understand you... don't understand why you do the things you do... don't understand what you say or mean... just plain don't understand you... i'm not being sarcastic here... please don't get me wrong its disappointing for me... probably as disappointing for you as well... i'm sorry... i really am very sorry... sorry doesn't cut it... but sorry seems to be the only thing i can think of to say... i've tried... you've tried... perhaps it really is just not to be... how now? what next? where do we go from here? i really don't know i don't want to disappoint you anymore... don't want to fustrate you or irritate you or make you angry anymore... i wish i could fix things... i wish i could make things better... but i can't seem to do that... and for that too, i am sorry... may all go well for you... and may god bless you and give you strength... for whatever comes your way... love, monica goh

chess - stalemate/checkmate

2006-01-05T09:23:00.000+08:00

checkmate - one wins, the other loses when the king is directly attacked stalemate - when there are no other moves that can allow one party to win the game the game is over... the game has ended... throw the towel i have no say in the game, no deciding power... lord... give me the strength to face it all... once again my heart feels cold and dead...

宣判死刑

2006-01-05T02:14:00.000+08:00

医生宣判死刑无论你哭, 无论你哀求, 人死了,是不能复活 dead... death... tei... help me